The lost diary of Jesus.

April 10th 33 A.D.

Today I died. I was on a hill, nailed to a couple of lengths of wood. Now I know my step-father would be upset, but I just couldn't tell what kind of wood it was. Ugh... I can hear him now: "Jesus! I brought you up around wood until you were 30! How can you not know what sort of tree it came from?"

Dad told me I would only have to be in hell for 3 days. Boy this is putting a damper on my weekend. It's stuffy down here. The sulfur burns my nostrils, although the smell of burning flesh reminds me of that time when the boys and I went to this wedding! Oh man, that was the best steak dinner I have ever eaten!

When I checked into Hell there was a little bit of confusion. Apparently my reservation was for a few weeks from now. Just like my father to forget when I was supposed to die! Anyway, after that whole ordeal I decided to try and turn fire into wine. Needless to say brimstone doesn't quite work that well to make into alcohol, and it tastes horrible.

I hope dinner is soon. Since I'm a guest and not a permanent residence I 'm assuming it's an all inclusive kind of thing. Well I should go talk to Satan about those keys. Until tomorrow...

-Jesus

April 11th 33 A.D.

One day down, two more to go! Weo! Go me go! I woke up this morning with a terrible hangover. I guess it is possible to turn brimstone into alcohol after all! Satan and I had a heart to heart. As it turns out, he doesn't even want to destroy or claim souls! What he really wants is to bring everybody into order. He reminds me a lot of Dad. Got a date with a succubus this evening. Nothing serious, she's just going to escort me to this dinner party Satan is having.

Hell is pretty boring I must admit. Today's forcast is hot and dry. Same with tomorrow until eternaty. It's kind of like when I used to have to go visit Joseph's parents. I feel trapped with no entertainment, and Tivo won't be around for and couple of millenia! Anyway, I have to go get ready for that dinner party. Maybe I'll feel better after a little communication with other people.

It's 3 am and I am drunk! Sly'rantharias has offered to spend the night with me! Is it considered cheating if your in a different plain of existance? Well I guess I'll have to have a chat with Mary before my asencion on Monday. I'm off for right now.

-Jesus

April 12th 33 A.D.

Well... Getting the keys was a little more than disappointing. It's not even a key! More like a stone with 3 holes in it. I have no idea why Dad forgot it down here in the first place. Oh well, at least the weekend wasn't a complete waste. I had some fun, but I am glad to be leaving. Way to hot down here.

Well I guess I should get going. Got to make it to my body on earth before the sun rises... Ugh... I hope I don't feel so tired when I get back, my body has had three days to rest!

-Jesus

PS - If anyone finds this in the future, don't vote for fundalmentaist Christians. They got my message all wrong!