Hope for the future: The cowards way out.

Self loathing is an interesting thing. You may observe the abstract and seemingly unlike you behavior, yet at the root of it all is you. Well, you and your ID. This is what I think makes it so complex.

I for whatever reason am hopelessly in love with an unavailable woman. She makes this feeling either go away or ten fold worse. The absolutely horrible part about it is I can't seem to bring it up to her. As I stated in my last post I am drunk, which obviously amplifies this into a much more deep rooted issue. The reason for my feeling even more like shit than I already did is the fact that she is leaving to be with her ex-boyfriend.

Let me tell you one thing about love dear reader: It makes you insane. Maybe one day she'll read this and understand why I am so fucked up, but until that day I will be here. Writing for free as an as of yet undiscovered talent.

This is also another factor is this deep freeze that I seem to be in. I tend to get opportunities to do amazing things, yet I never feel ready to do them. God, I hate myself. It would seem to some that I'm going for a sympathy or depression dollar, but dear reader, that is not the case.

I am just one man seeking the meaning of life, trying to enjoy the ride. It's never that simple though. Anyone who believes it is, well they are probably naive and need to experience life a little more than just watching those lame piece of shit romantic comedies that Hollywood pump out for a quick buck.

Funny how life is hey dear reader? One moment you have a firm grasp on life, the next your falling downwards until you hit rock bottom.

I find hope in depression. It would seem to me that it is a transitional mechanism to help cope with sudden change. I personally don't feel that way right now, however I know the thought has crossed my mind in a more optimistic mind set. So this brings me to why I actually feel this way at the moment.

The answer for once is not a simple one. I have no idea. As I do not know any reader intimately I just write and hope for the best. A hope that you may fill in the blanks rather than think of me as another whiny emo fuck/hack.

If the thought has crossed your mind, then you have read into this more of an act rather than a thought provoking piece. I know it will provoke me to think tomorrow morning when the hangover sets in and I have to face the job force yet again. Goddamn I hate kitchens.

So is there a point to all this drunken rambling? Yes. There actually is. Funny that I know the point, yet as so clearly stated, I have missed the story. The point is that no matter how depressed oner gets, it is a transition. It is the inability of dealing with the fast and swift that plumet us into this dark place.

The purgatory is just the thought process of the over all dealing. Don't ever think about ending your life dear reader, because it's only the cowards way out.

-A. Warren Johnson