While Matt was busy insuring that FNG had set up his station well enough to get through lunch, a strange and somewhat odd looking figure entered the kitchen.
He stood 6’ 2” and appeared roughly to be 200 pounds. His black uniform was matched by his black mask. FNG happened to look up from his station to see this rather strange sight. He quietly contemplated whether or not he made a good choice his job selection.
“Hey Dish Pig! How are you today?” Shaun asked.
“I am Fine. Thank you for Asking!” Dish Pig answered. His Politeness was enough to make FNG question Dish Pigs motives.
“Catch any criminals last night?” Shaun asked. His sarcasm was as subtle as a swan dive that took a wrong turn to a belly flop.
“None. It seems that crime took the night off. It's all greek to me, I mean I do not understand. How could criminals just let a city alone, it just does not add up.” Dish Pig was sure that a criminal syndicate somewhere in the city was planning an attack of epic proportions.
“Don't worry, maybe tonight will be the night!” Van encouraged. Dish Pig also wasn’t fluent in any other language thus his words were lost to Dish Pig.
“Excuse me? I did not quite catch that.” Dish Pig said. His voice trying to strike fear into the heart of Van Couver.
Van slapped his forehead out of frustration and retorted, “Never mind. Fucking people, I mean why can't why all just speak one language?” Van’s physical actions were comical even though he was being serious.
Dish Pig leaned into Shaun and whispered, “What is he saying? I never have trusted him. He is quite shady, perhaps I shall keep my watchful eye upon that foreigner.”
“Do whatever you think is necessary.” Shaun replied. His focus was more on not losing a finger while he was cutting carrots for stock rather then on the antics of Van and Dish Pig.
Dish Pig patted Shaun on the back and said, “Indeed, my young friend. And rest assure that under this mask is someone who cares for the whole of humanity! Now...” Dish Pig raised his right arm and extended his index finger. “TO THE DISH PIT!”
Maggie entered the kitchen just as Dish Pig made his bold exclamation and said, “Hey Dish Pig, your looking good today! Have you been working out?”
Dish Pig lowered his arm and struck a heroic pose. “Why, yes. I have. Thank you for noticing, you charming young lass, but now I must fight the one true nemesis I have here. It is time to free all those poor and helpless dishes break free from the evil clutches of GREASE AND GRIM! For I am the advent of cleanliness! I am DISH PIG!!!” Dish Pig dashed off to save the poor helpless dishes.
***
INTERLUDE: Dish Pig’s Story.
Six months ago in a kitchen south east of the Cheshire. The hero known as the Dish Pig was a short order cook. He wasn’t always a hero, at times he was right down ridiculous.
To give you an example, two days before this interlude occurs, the Dish Pig had accidentally aided a robbery. Yes, even heroes are prone to make mistakes.
The events that took place are as follows:
The night was cool and Dish Pig had just gotten off shift. He (in these days, he was known as Donnie) was walking home and saw a masked man and a old lady with a walker having an epic battle over a hand bag.
As any good citizen would do, Dish Pig went to save the day. Unfortunately Dish Pig got bested by the masked man and he forcefully took the bag from the old lady with the walker and handed it gently handed it to the masked man. The masked man then sprinted away laughing as Dish Pig faced the wrath of the old lady with the walker.
This day however was not like his earlier misadventure. It was a completely different misadventure.
Dish Pig worked over the flat-top. Quesadillas and philly beef sandwiches were his specialty. After he finished cooking the pub slop, he began to clean the grill using the prescribed cleaning solution. Suddenly a bunch of steam rose from the grill and hit him in the face! Dish Pig backed away from the flat-top held his face and fell to his knees.
“NNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!” Dish Pig wailed. His cry was loud enough to turn the heads of all the patrons in the dingy little pub.
As Dish Pig was convulsing on the floor two of his fellow cooks enter the kitchen to start their shift. Their mild and crude conversation ended abruptly as they see Dish Pig on the floor.
The first cook to enter the kitchen turned to the second cook to enter the kitchen and asks, “What’s he doing?”
“I don’t know.” The second cook replies. After this short exchange they both leaned against the counter to watch and figure out what exactly was going on.
Dish Pig felt every nerve of his being change and transform into something not quite human as he flopped around on the ground. His eyes rolled into the back of his skull, his teeth clenched, and then it was all over. Dish Pig lay on the ground. Still as someone that had just dropped dead of a heart attack.
Cook one with about as much enthusiasm and exuberance of a rock asked, “Is he dead?”
“How should I know? Go poke him in the ribs, or something.” The second cook replied.
Cook one was bewildered at the mere thought and said, “Fuck that! If he is dead, then it will look like I killed him!”
“Fine you big puss, I’ll do it.” The second cook responded.
He grabbed the fryer poker that was on the counter behind him and slowly walked over to Dish Pig. He then gently poked him in the back once, Dish Pig didn’t move. He poked him again a few more times, yet still no response. The second cook went to poke him once more, but just then, Dish Pig got up slowly to his knees, then he stood up.
“I AM...” Dish Pig started, but then pause for dramatic effect as he turned around. “A SUPER HERO!!!” Dish Pig finished. This again was enough to turn the heads of the slum that inhabited the pub south east of the Cheshire.
***
Write or wrong, it's still in poor taste.
Showing posts with label Story. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Story. Show all posts
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Monday, August 24, 2009
Kitchen Life: Ice Mix & Fish
“Welcome back FNG.” Jake said.
FNG nodded and turned towards Matt.
“Hey Matt, um, they said they don't carry ice mix.” FNG said barely audible.
“I know they don’t.” Matt replied. He was walking away to grabbed the clip board to start his line check. FNG followed closely behind him.
“What! You knew that they don’t carry it and you sent me to the store for it! Why?” FNG exasperated.
“Because it’s a running joke. Kind of a initiation to the kitchen. Don’t worry, Frank got pretty pissed about it and that makes me happy.” Matt gleamed.
“I'm not going to get written up, am I?” FNG asked. The sheer look of terror on his face was almost enough to make Matt burst out laughing.
Matt contained his laughter and simply stated, “No, if anything I would be written up.”
Matt’s reassurance didn’t seem to help FNG much. The fear seemed to subside in FNG’s eyes only to be replaced with confusion.
“Why would you be...” FNG started.
“Because I sent the kid I’m suppose to train to the store for a nonexistent product. Look, don't worry about it. Just go back to your station, were almost open.” Matt interrupted.
“Okay.” FNG agreed. He made his way to the fryer station and looked around nervous as if some sort of evil impending doom were to happen at any moment. ‘I feel out of place. I wonder if this fryer basket feels as out of place as I do...’ FNG pondered.
Maggie entered the kitchen and leaned against the patty cooler. She had one thing on her mind...
“Matty. Do you want to make me something to eat?” Maggie whined.
“Not really.” Matt stated.
“Oh come on.” Maggie pressed further.
Matt set down the spatula he was holding, turned to Maggie and said, “I told you Maggie, your not my type. Besides I thought girls didn't like that kind of thing.”
“What thing?” Maggie questioned.
“Nothing.” Matt said. He shook his head at his failed attempt at a quick quip.
“Please!!! I'm really hungry!” Maggie begged.
“Ask Jake. Wait, why don't you ask Frank?” Matt asked. The sarcastic tone implied Matt’s cynicism was firmly intact.
“EW! He is the most grossest guy! And he smells like fish most of the time!” Maggie exclaimed.
“Sounds like you guys have something in common!” Matt jested.
“Who?” Frank asked. He had emerged from the office under Matt’s radar. Maggie decided that the blood rule of 10 feet could also apply to Frank and went to ask Jake if he would make her some food.
“You and Maggie.” Matt replied.
“What makes you think that?” Frank asked.
“You both like fish!” Matt beamed.
“Really? She likes fish?” Frank asked. It seemed to Matt that Frank had more questions then answers.
“Yeah, man! Loves it!” Matt exuberated.
“Fish is disgusting!” Frank stated.
“Kind of like your cologne.” Matt retorted.
“Funny. Speaking of funny, did your trainee come back?” Frank questioned Matt.
“FNG? Yeah, he's back.” Matt answered. Matt was utterly shocked that Frank wouldn’t leave after his cologne comment and wondered why he was still hanging around.
“Good. I'm firing him for being so stupid.” Frank said.
“Hey, no. That's not fair at all. It was a joke, let it go. I mean it's his first week, and you know damn well that was my fault.” Matt defended FNG.
“Fine. But anymore of your antics and you and him are gone!” Frank threatened.
“Sure thing coach. Now go back to the office and do what you do best.” Matt suggested.
“What's that suppose to mean?” Frank asked. As much as he tried to intimidate Matt, it never worked.
“That your good at paperwork?” Matt quipped.
“I mean it Matt, quit fucking around!” Frank said. His voice slightly elevated for effect.
“Whatever you say Chief!” Matt said as he mocked saluted Frank while he walked away.
***
While the cynical and ominous dispute was going on between Frank and Matt, Jake and Maggie were having a light, innuendo filled discussion on the other side of the line.
“Oh and extra cheese! And maybe some more tomatoes! Mmm, This is going be good!” Maggie exclaimed. Her mouth watering at the sight and smell of her meal.
“You know what else is going be good?” Jake chimed in.
“What?” Maggie asked. Her coy attitude implied the usual, ‘I already know, but I want you to tell me anyway’ state of mind.
“Our little romp later.” Jake said. Oh he was good and he knew it.
“Well I hope it's not to little, and that it's more of a hard fucking.” Maggie teased. Oh she was good and he knew it.
Jake put up her meal and said, “Here you are.”
“Thank you Jake.” Maggie said. She looked gingerly at him and blew him a kiss.
“Your welcome.” Jake replied.
The office door slammed shut yet again. Everyone in the kitchen needed to know the dirt.
“What was that about?” Shaun asked. The haze was starting to fade and he was becoming more observant.
“Just our noble kitchen manager playing bad cop.” Matt explained.
“What did you say to him now?” Jake questioned Matt. Jake knew that Matt had did something to get under Frank’s skin.
“Nothing much. He's still pissy about the FNG thing.” Matt replied.
“Franks mad at me?” FNG asked. The terror now back in his eyes.
“No, he's mad at me, but he was going to fire you.” Matt said. He had mentioned the last bit to make it sound humorous, but it didn’t work the way he meant it to.
“WHAT? I did what you told me to do!” FNG fretted.
“I know. That's what I...” Matt started.
“So he's going to fire me?” FNG cut Matt off to exasperate further.
“No. I talked him out of it. Anyway, let's check out your station.” Matt suggested to FNG.
FNG nodded and turned towards Matt.
“Hey Matt, um, they said they don't carry ice mix.” FNG said barely audible.
“I know they don’t.” Matt replied. He was walking away to grabbed the clip board to start his line check. FNG followed closely behind him.
“What! You knew that they don’t carry it and you sent me to the store for it! Why?” FNG exasperated.
“Because it’s a running joke. Kind of a initiation to the kitchen. Don’t worry, Frank got pretty pissed about it and that makes me happy.” Matt gleamed.
“I'm not going to get written up, am I?” FNG asked. The sheer look of terror on his face was almost enough to make Matt burst out laughing.
Matt contained his laughter and simply stated, “No, if anything I would be written up.”
Matt’s reassurance didn’t seem to help FNG much. The fear seemed to subside in FNG’s eyes only to be replaced with confusion.
“Why would you be...” FNG started.
“Because I sent the kid I’m suppose to train to the store for a nonexistent product. Look, don't worry about it. Just go back to your station, were almost open.” Matt interrupted.
“Okay.” FNG agreed. He made his way to the fryer station and looked around nervous as if some sort of evil impending doom were to happen at any moment. ‘I feel out of place. I wonder if this fryer basket feels as out of place as I do...’ FNG pondered.
Maggie entered the kitchen and leaned against the patty cooler. She had one thing on her mind...
“Matty. Do you want to make me something to eat?” Maggie whined.
“Not really.” Matt stated.
“Oh come on.” Maggie pressed further.
Matt set down the spatula he was holding, turned to Maggie and said, “I told you Maggie, your not my type. Besides I thought girls didn't like that kind of thing.”
“What thing?” Maggie questioned.
“Nothing.” Matt said. He shook his head at his failed attempt at a quick quip.
“Please!!! I'm really hungry!” Maggie begged.
“Ask Jake. Wait, why don't you ask Frank?” Matt asked. The sarcastic tone implied Matt’s cynicism was firmly intact.
“EW! He is the most grossest guy! And he smells like fish most of the time!” Maggie exclaimed.
“Sounds like you guys have something in common!” Matt jested.
“Who?” Frank asked. He had emerged from the office under Matt’s radar. Maggie decided that the blood rule of 10 feet could also apply to Frank and went to ask Jake if he would make her some food.
“You and Maggie.” Matt replied.
“What makes you think that?” Frank asked.
“You both like fish!” Matt beamed.
“Really? She likes fish?” Frank asked. It seemed to Matt that Frank had more questions then answers.
“Yeah, man! Loves it!” Matt exuberated.
“Fish is disgusting!” Frank stated.
“Kind of like your cologne.” Matt retorted.
“Funny. Speaking of funny, did your trainee come back?” Frank questioned Matt.
“FNG? Yeah, he's back.” Matt answered. Matt was utterly shocked that Frank wouldn’t leave after his cologne comment and wondered why he was still hanging around.
“Good. I'm firing him for being so stupid.” Frank said.
“Hey, no. That's not fair at all. It was a joke, let it go. I mean it's his first week, and you know damn well that was my fault.” Matt defended FNG.
“Fine. But anymore of your antics and you and him are gone!” Frank threatened.
“Sure thing coach. Now go back to the office and do what you do best.” Matt suggested.
“What's that suppose to mean?” Frank asked. As much as he tried to intimidate Matt, it never worked.
“That your good at paperwork?” Matt quipped.
“I mean it Matt, quit fucking around!” Frank said. His voice slightly elevated for effect.
“Whatever you say Chief!” Matt said as he mocked saluted Frank while he walked away.
***
While the cynical and ominous dispute was going on between Frank and Matt, Jake and Maggie were having a light, innuendo filled discussion on the other side of the line.
“Oh and extra cheese! And maybe some more tomatoes! Mmm, This is going be good!” Maggie exclaimed. Her mouth watering at the sight and smell of her meal.
“You know what else is going be good?” Jake chimed in.
“What?” Maggie asked. Her coy attitude implied the usual, ‘I already know, but I want you to tell me anyway’ state of mind.
“Our little romp later.” Jake said. Oh he was good and he knew it.
“Well I hope it's not to little, and that it's more of a hard fucking.” Maggie teased. Oh she was good and he knew it.
Jake put up her meal and said, “Here you are.”
“Thank you Jake.” Maggie said. She looked gingerly at him and blew him a kiss.
“Your welcome.” Jake replied.
The office door slammed shut yet again. Everyone in the kitchen needed to know the dirt.
“What was that about?” Shaun asked. The haze was starting to fade and he was becoming more observant.
“Just our noble kitchen manager playing bad cop.” Matt explained.
“What did you say to him now?” Jake questioned Matt. Jake knew that Matt had did something to get under Frank’s skin.
“Nothing much. He's still pissy about the FNG thing.” Matt replied.
“Franks mad at me?” FNG asked. The terror now back in his eyes.
“No, he's mad at me, but he was going to fire you.” Matt said. He had mentioned the last bit to make it sound humorous, but it didn’t work the way he meant it to.
“WHAT? I did what you told me to do!” FNG fretted.
“I know. That's what I...” Matt started.
“So he's going to fire me?” FNG cut Matt off to exasperate further.
“No. I talked him out of it. Anyway, let's check out your station.” Matt suggested to FNG.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Kitchen Life: 86'd.
Jake began his story, (like all good stories), at the beginning of the night.
Jake and Matt had just gotten off shift and decided to have a few beers on the patio before going home for the night. Luckily for the two of them Maggie was their server and they wouldn’t have to order food with their beer.
“What do you two want?” Maggie asked. The mock disgust in her voice suggested she was in a great mood even though she was more then likely closing.
“A pitcher would be swell Mags.” Matt replied.
“Really? Just one?” Maggie asked. She was generally shocked by this.
“For the moment anyway. Matt is undecided on getting smashed tonight.” Jake responded.
“Ah. I see, well I’ll bring out two. Just to be on the safe side.” Maggie said. She left to get the pitchers.
“See Matt! Maggie just made your decision much easier!” Jake cheered.
“Yeah, she’s a good friend.” Matt smiled.
A few hours and $75 later, the Cheshire was closed. Jake and Matt were finishing their last two glasses of beer. As both Jake and Mat viewed their growing alcohol dependency at a professional level, they were just getting buzzed. Maggie joined them to cash out for the night.
“So what is your plan for this evening?” Maggie asked.
“Not sure. Possibly go to the bar for a bit then catch a show or two at the peelers.” Jake postulated.
“That sounds like a pretty solid plan.” Matt chimed in.
Maggie was counting what she made that night and didn’t even look up as she said,“Sweet.”
“What’s your plan, Mags?” Jake questioned.
“I don’t know.” Maggie answered, still counting.
“Well you should come out with us!” Matt suggested. The beer buzz was treating him fine.
“Sounds good, but I’m not going to the strippers.” Maggie stated.
“Excellent.” Jake replied.
A couple of hours later, Jake and Matt said good night to Maggie and headed to the strip club. When they arrived they were relieved to find a few empty seats in front of the stage. There wasn’t a show going on so Matt decided to start a conversation with Jake.
“Fuck, dude. The booze is hitting home. I'm fucking drunk!” Matt slurred.
“Yeah me too.” Jake replied.
Just then the D.J. came on over the PA and announced the next show. The dancer made her way on stage. The D.J. trumped, “The alluring STORMY!!!”
“Hey, I got an idea!” Jake exclaimed.
“What's that?” Matt asked. He was too drunk to be excited by ideas.
“Let's pick up the stripper!” Jake suggested.
“I don't know, dude, we're pretty fucked up. I don't think she'll go for it.” Matt articulated.
“Sure she will! Watch this!” Jake retorted.
Jake began to motion Stormy to come over to him. As Jake stood up just a little bit, she bent down. Jake whispered to her, “Would you care to hangout with my friend and I after the bar closes?”
“Sounds fun, I would love to do that!” Stormy nodded. “Meet me out front after my set.” She added. She winked slyly at Jake and Matt as she returned to centre stage.
***
Outside of the club, Jake and Mat waited for Stormy. Mat had a little bit too much booze and found the wall to be wonderful to lean against with his hands on his knees. Jake on the other hand was really was way to excited to lean, so he stood rubbing his hands together.
Mat trying very hard not to let his world completely rush away into the land of sleep started a conversation.
“Jake, not to burst your nut, but I don't think she's going show.” Matt said. He was hoping that she wouldn’t.
“Sure she will! It's only been fifteen minutes. Just relax Matt.” Jake retorted.
“I'll give it another five minutes, then I'm getting us a cab, and were going back to your place to crash.” Matt stated.
***
“So, then what happened?” Shaun interrupted.
“Well, she ended coming outside at the last minute and we ended up back at her hotel room.” Mat explained. His enthusiasm was out weighed by his embarrassment.
***
Jake, Matt and Stormy sat on the hotel bed. The drinking had slowed down to 1 drink per hour. Stormy was telling Jake and Matt about herself. Matt wasn’t sure if what he was hearing was correct and Jake just wanted to fuck.
Stormy went on with her stories.
“Then this one time when I was still hooking, this guy picked me up. We went back to his house, his kids were in bed, and his wife was out with her friends. So we get in to things, you know he starts fingering me while I'm blowing him. Just nickel and dime stuff, really. Anyway, when things get into full swing he turns to me and asks me if he could give it to me doggie style while I give him a rim job. Well I said, if you want me to do that it'll cost you another seventy-five bucks! I mean I was trying to put myself through Med school for god sake. So what do you guys do?” Stormy asked.
“Well... We work in a kitchen.” Matt said. His confusion by this point was more than apparent. Questions like, ‘How old is this stripper?’ And ‘She looks hot, but is that actually how she looks, or is it just the alcohol?’ Kept creeping up in his mind.
“That's cool. I used to do that. Except that I would hide in a cooler and give hummers to all the male staff when they got to stressed out. Man, I got paid phenomenally well. That is until they made all these laws against hookers in coolers waiting to give BJ's.” Stormy chimed in.
***
“Wow!” Van exclaimed. Sadly in the 5 to 10 minutes it took Jake and Matt to tell the story, no one still had any clue as to what Van was really saying.
Jake turned to Van and asked, “What?”
“Never mind.” Van said as he shook his head and hand at Jake.
“That's crazy!” Shaun exclaimed.
“That's nothing. It gets worse.” Matt solemnly stated.
“How? You guys nailed her, and caught something?” Shaun inquired.
“No. Nothing like that. See Matt ended up sleeping with her. He didn't catch anything.” Jake said attempting to embarrass Matt more.
“Okay, you have to realize that we were in no condition to make any judgment calls. This stripper we both thought was fucking smoking, and Jake nailed too. The problem was when we woke up in the morning we realized two things: first we had drank way too much and our hangovers were not going to let us go to work, and secondly the stripper we had picked up the night before was eighty-six years old!” Matt explained.
Shaun and Van both burst out in maniacal laughter.
“Frank must have been pissed when you guys called in!” Shaun said. He had forgot whether or not he was trying to ask a question or make a statement.
“Yeah, but he didn't even write us up because of the fact that the stripper was eighty-six. He just laughed at us the next day we came in. It’s probably my fondest memory of Frank actually.” Matt said.
“Matt, why did you bring that story up? That was really embarrassing.” Jake said.
“You brought it up!” Matt exclaimed as he raised a finger and pointed at Jake.
Just then FNG walked in the back door. He walked into the kitchen looking similar to Judas when he told the rest of the apostles that he sold Jesus for 30 silver pieces.
Jake and Matt had just gotten off shift and decided to have a few beers on the patio before going home for the night. Luckily for the two of them Maggie was their server and they wouldn’t have to order food with their beer.
“What do you two want?” Maggie asked. The mock disgust in her voice suggested she was in a great mood even though she was more then likely closing.
“A pitcher would be swell Mags.” Matt replied.
“Really? Just one?” Maggie asked. She was generally shocked by this.
“For the moment anyway. Matt is undecided on getting smashed tonight.” Jake responded.
“Ah. I see, well I’ll bring out two. Just to be on the safe side.” Maggie said. She left to get the pitchers.
“See Matt! Maggie just made your decision much easier!” Jake cheered.
“Yeah, she’s a good friend.” Matt smiled.
A few hours and $75 later, the Cheshire was closed. Jake and Matt were finishing their last two glasses of beer. As both Jake and Mat viewed their growing alcohol dependency at a professional level, they were just getting buzzed. Maggie joined them to cash out for the night.
“So what is your plan for this evening?” Maggie asked.
“Not sure. Possibly go to the bar for a bit then catch a show or two at the peelers.” Jake postulated.
“That sounds like a pretty solid plan.” Matt chimed in.
Maggie was counting what she made that night and didn’t even look up as she said,“Sweet.”
“What’s your plan, Mags?” Jake questioned.
“I don’t know.” Maggie answered, still counting.
“Well you should come out with us!” Matt suggested. The beer buzz was treating him fine.
“Sounds good, but I’m not going to the strippers.” Maggie stated.
“Excellent.” Jake replied.
A couple of hours later, Jake and Matt said good night to Maggie and headed to the strip club. When they arrived they were relieved to find a few empty seats in front of the stage. There wasn’t a show going on so Matt decided to start a conversation with Jake.
“Fuck, dude. The booze is hitting home. I'm fucking drunk!” Matt slurred.
“Yeah me too.” Jake replied.
Just then the D.J. came on over the PA and announced the next show. The dancer made her way on stage. The D.J. trumped, “The alluring STORMY!!!”
“Hey, I got an idea!” Jake exclaimed.
“What's that?” Matt asked. He was too drunk to be excited by ideas.
“Let's pick up the stripper!” Jake suggested.
“I don't know, dude, we're pretty fucked up. I don't think she'll go for it.” Matt articulated.
“Sure she will! Watch this!” Jake retorted.
Jake began to motion Stormy to come over to him. As Jake stood up just a little bit, she bent down. Jake whispered to her, “Would you care to hangout with my friend and I after the bar closes?”
“Sounds fun, I would love to do that!” Stormy nodded. “Meet me out front after my set.” She added. She winked slyly at Jake and Matt as she returned to centre stage.
***
Outside of the club, Jake and Mat waited for Stormy. Mat had a little bit too much booze and found the wall to be wonderful to lean against with his hands on his knees. Jake on the other hand was really was way to excited to lean, so he stood rubbing his hands together.
Mat trying very hard not to let his world completely rush away into the land of sleep started a conversation.
“Jake, not to burst your nut, but I don't think she's going show.” Matt said. He was hoping that she wouldn’t.
“Sure she will! It's only been fifteen minutes. Just relax Matt.” Jake retorted.
“I'll give it another five minutes, then I'm getting us a cab, and were going back to your place to crash.” Matt stated.
***
“So, then what happened?” Shaun interrupted.
“Well, she ended coming outside at the last minute and we ended up back at her hotel room.” Mat explained. His enthusiasm was out weighed by his embarrassment.
***
Jake, Matt and Stormy sat on the hotel bed. The drinking had slowed down to 1 drink per hour. Stormy was telling Jake and Matt about herself. Matt wasn’t sure if what he was hearing was correct and Jake just wanted to fuck.
Stormy went on with her stories.
“Then this one time when I was still hooking, this guy picked me up. We went back to his house, his kids were in bed, and his wife was out with her friends. So we get in to things, you know he starts fingering me while I'm blowing him. Just nickel and dime stuff, really. Anyway, when things get into full swing he turns to me and asks me if he could give it to me doggie style while I give him a rim job. Well I said, if you want me to do that it'll cost you another seventy-five bucks! I mean I was trying to put myself through Med school for god sake. So what do you guys do?” Stormy asked.
“Well... We work in a kitchen.” Matt said. His confusion by this point was more than apparent. Questions like, ‘How old is this stripper?’ And ‘She looks hot, but is that actually how she looks, or is it just the alcohol?’ Kept creeping up in his mind.
“That's cool. I used to do that. Except that I would hide in a cooler and give hummers to all the male staff when they got to stressed out. Man, I got paid phenomenally well. That is until they made all these laws against hookers in coolers waiting to give BJ's.” Stormy chimed in.
***
“Wow!” Van exclaimed. Sadly in the 5 to 10 minutes it took Jake and Matt to tell the story, no one still had any clue as to what Van was really saying.
Jake turned to Van and asked, “What?”
“Never mind.” Van said as he shook his head and hand at Jake.
“That's crazy!” Shaun exclaimed.
“That's nothing. It gets worse.” Matt solemnly stated.
“How? You guys nailed her, and caught something?” Shaun inquired.
“No. Nothing like that. See Matt ended up sleeping with her. He didn't catch anything.” Jake said attempting to embarrass Matt more.
“Okay, you have to realize that we were in no condition to make any judgment calls. This stripper we both thought was fucking smoking, and Jake nailed too. The problem was when we woke up in the morning we realized two things: first we had drank way too much and our hangovers were not going to let us go to work, and secondly the stripper we had picked up the night before was eighty-six years old!” Matt explained.
Shaun and Van both burst out in maniacal laughter.
“Frank must have been pissed when you guys called in!” Shaun said. He had forgot whether or not he was trying to ask a question or make a statement.
“Yeah, but he didn't even write us up because of the fact that the stripper was eighty-six. He just laughed at us the next day we came in. It’s probably my fondest memory of Frank actually.” Matt said.
“Matt, why did you bring that story up? That was really embarrassing.” Jake said.
“You brought it up!” Matt exclaimed as he raised a finger and pointed at Jake.
Just then FNG walked in the back door. He walked into the kitchen looking similar to Judas when he told the rest of the apostles that he sold Jesus for 30 silver pieces.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Kitchen Life: When in doubt, push your luck!
As soon as the door was shut, Mat let out a chuckle of self satisfaction. To Mat it seemed that Frank didn’t appreciate honesty.
Jake broke Mat’s train of silent thought.
“Fuck! He was pissed!” Jake said. The half chuckle, half speaking made Mat chuckle a little harder.
“Yeah. Oh well, the madder he gets the funnier it is.” Mat replied.
Jake raised a finger to Mat and said, “I think your on to something Matt.” Both of them began laughing at the whole situation.
They were both on the verge of tears when Shaun piped up with the a question through his stoned haze, “Hey, where's Kamron?” He asked setting down his knife and realizing that he wasn’t on the station he was supposed to be working on that day.
“Don't know. He was supposed to open today wasn't he?” Mat answered with another question.
“I'm fairly sure I saw him on the schedule. Why don’t you go ask Frank?” Jake suggested.
“Fuck that, he's already pissed about my prank on FNG. Why don't you go ask, Jake?” Mat replied. It seemed to Mat that he had more questions then answers.
“I just got back, and the mood he's in I'd probably lose my job. Sure pissing him off is funny, but I need the money.” Jake explained.
Van was excited to be helpful to his English speaking friends and stated, “Kamron's in Tokyo. I heard Frank talking to himself about it.” However, since he was unable to speak English, it just came out in a different language.
“What?” Mat asked Van.
“I said, Kamron is in Tokyo!” Van responded in his native tongue once more. He even tried to use body language in an attempt to make his statement a little more clear.
“Van, you know none of us can understand Bosnian, just write it down. It is a lot easier that way.” Mat suggested.
“Yeah, yeah. The story of my life! Just write it down! Why don’t you people just learn Serbo-Croatian” Van mumbled as he pulled a slip of paper from the printer he was closest to. His English spelling was quite horrible:
‘CamEran si n toEKEy-O’
It was at least better then his attempts to vocalize his idea’s. He handed the note to Mat.
“For fuck sakes!” Mat exclaimed, he then added, “Well saddle up boys, it's going be one of those days.”
“Why's that?” Shaun asked.
“Kamron's in Tokyo.” Mat answered.
“How the fuck did he end up in Tokyo?” Shaun asked.
Shaun meant the question to be rhetorical, but Jake suggested an answer anyway. “Probably got drunk and ended up catching a flight with some Asian stripper.”
“What?” Van asked. Van was unfamiliar with the term ‘Stripper’.
“Huh?” Jake asked Van. What they had was a failure to communicate.
“I don't understand.” Van said. He repeatedly shrugged his shoulders to convey that he wanted to know what the term ‘Stripper’ meant.
“Just drunken stupidity. Some people do absolutely retarded things when they're drunk. Like the time Matt and I went to that stripper's room.” Jake answered.
“Jake, man. Don't bring that up!” Mat exclaimed.
“Why not?” Shaun asked Mat. He then turned to Jake and asked, “What happened Jake?”
A devious smile crossed Jake’s face. Mat knew the look well. It meant inevitable embarrassment. As Mat silently wished not to relive this story, Jake continued. “Okay, so one night Mat and I go to the bar...”
Jake broke Mat’s train of silent thought.
“Fuck! He was pissed!” Jake said. The half chuckle, half speaking made Mat chuckle a little harder.
“Yeah. Oh well, the madder he gets the funnier it is.” Mat replied.
Jake raised a finger to Mat and said, “I think your on to something Matt.” Both of them began laughing at the whole situation.
They were both on the verge of tears when Shaun piped up with the a question through his stoned haze, “Hey, where's Kamron?” He asked setting down his knife and realizing that he wasn’t on the station he was supposed to be working on that day.
“Don't know. He was supposed to open today wasn't he?” Mat answered with another question.
“I'm fairly sure I saw him on the schedule. Why don’t you go ask Frank?” Jake suggested.
“Fuck that, he's already pissed about my prank on FNG. Why don't you go ask, Jake?” Mat replied. It seemed to Mat that he had more questions then answers.
“I just got back, and the mood he's in I'd probably lose my job. Sure pissing him off is funny, but I need the money.” Jake explained.
Van was excited to be helpful to his English speaking friends and stated, “Kamron's in Tokyo. I heard Frank talking to himself about it.” However, since he was unable to speak English, it just came out in a different language.
“What?” Mat asked Van.
“I said, Kamron is in Tokyo!” Van responded in his native tongue once more. He even tried to use body language in an attempt to make his statement a little more clear.
“Van, you know none of us can understand Bosnian, just write it down. It is a lot easier that way.” Mat suggested.
“Yeah, yeah. The story of my life! Just write it down! Why don’t you people just learn Serbo-Croatian” Van mumbled as he pulled a slip of paper from the printer he was closest to. His English spelling was quite horrible:
‘CamEran si n toEKEy-O’
It was at least better then his attempts to vocalize his idea’s. He handed the note to Mat.
“For fuck sakes!” Mat exclaimed, he then added, “Well saddle up boys, it's going be one of those days.”
“Why's that?” Shaun asked.
“Kamron's in Tokyo.” Mat answered.
“How the fuck did he end up in Tokyo?” Shaun asked.
Shaun meant the question to be rhetorical, but Jake suggested an answer anyway. “Probably got drunk and ended up catching a flight with some Asian stripper.”
“What?” Van asked. Van was unfamiliar with the term ‘Stripper’.
“Huh?” Jake asked Van. What they had was a failure to communicate.
“I don't understand.” Van said. He repeatedly shrugged his shoulders to convey that he wanted to know what the term ‘Stripper’ meant.
“Just drunken stupidity. Some people do absolutely retarded things when they're drunk. Like the time Matt and I went to that stripper's room.” Jake answered.
“Jake, man. Don't bring that up!” Mat exclaimed.
“Why not?” Shaun asked Mat. He then turned to Jake and asked, “What happened Jake?”
A devious smile crossed Jake’s face. Mat knew the look well. It meant inevitable embarrassment. As Mat silently wished not to relive this story, Jake continued. “Okay, so one night Mat and I go to the bar...”
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Kitchen Life: Earlier that day...
It was early. Way to early for most of the minimum wage slaves around the world, however wage slave drivers didn’t seem to be much of people anyway.
Frank was a wage slave driver, otherwise known as a manager. As he barreled into the parking lot he decided to parking in the handicap parking spot. There was no other reason then to show he could.
He got out of his truck and tried to unlock the door. This turned out to be one of those experiences that was very unfavorable as his key snapped on him in the lock.
“Stupid fucking door! This is going to come out of my paycheck! I just know it! Thanks you stupid fucking door!” Frank yelled.
He kicked the door, looked around, then decided to pull and shake the handle violently to try and unlock it that way. This also proved to be unfavorable as it swung open and hit him in the face. This had caused his nose to bleed.
After a short and unbridled scream of rage, he pinched the bridge of his nose and went inside.
Frank walked to the public washroom and plugged his bloody nostril with 3 squares of toilet paper. He then made his way to the office. The was a message on the machine, he pressed the play button.
The answering machine beeped and stated that there was one new message and proceeded to play it.
“Hey it's Kamron, I don't think I can make it to work today because Last night I got hammered, and I ended up in Tokyo! Can you believe it? I mean this is pretty wild! Anyway a Geisha girl hooker seduced me and stole my passport, so I need to get smuggled back into Canada on a "Fishing Boat". Anyway I'll be back in a couple days, so just get the FNG to cover my shifts. Kay Later.” Kamron’s voice said.
“That little punk! His ass is as good as fired when he gets back!” Frank promised the air around him.
Frank took off his jacket and hung it up on the coat rack in the office. He walked out of the office and went to the coffee machine to make a pot of coffee. Just then a server walks up behind him and began washing her hands.
Frank turned around startled by the sink and said, “Oh, Hey Maggie. How are you?”
“All right.” Maggie replied.
“Well.. Okay. Is there anything that you want to talk about? Possibly getting together tonight, going for dinner and possibly going back to my place?” Frank said trying to be smooth as ice.
“God! What do think I am? A Slut? Do I have a sign on my forehead that says "OPEN FOR BUSINESS" or something?” Maggie snapped.
Jake came into the kitchen with a swagger. He had heard Maggie snap at Frank when he had walked in and decided to go on with the day as if nothing happened at all.
“No. Not per-say. But I... I... Oh forget it!” Frank choked.
Frank began to walk back to the office. He looked up to see Jake coming in, gave him a head nod and kept on walking. Jake walked up behind Maggie and put his arms around her waist.
“Hey Maggie, we still on for this afternoon?” Jake whispered in Maggie’s ear.
Maggie turned her head and said, “You bet Jake. You know how much I like it at work. Makes me feel so dirty! I love when you make me feel that way.”
“Yes, Yes I do. So when do you want to hook up?” Jake asked.
“Lets aim for around three. Should be dead enough by then.” Maggie suggested.
Maggie smiled at Jake and walked away to set up the dinning area. Jake stared at her smiling until she was by the host stand, then grabbed a cup of coffee and went to his station to set up. It would be just another day in paradise.
FNG and Matt came into the kitchen. Matt saw Jake, gave him a smirk and said, “What’s up G?”
“Not much, going to fuck Maggie at work later.” Jake replied.
“Oh, not like that’s ever happened before.” Matt said as he walked to the washroom.
“No, never!” Jake shot back.
They both began to chuckle while FNG just stood frozen at the exchange of conversation that had just taken place.
Matt turned to FNG and asked, “Is everything okay dude?”
“Umm... I’m fine.” FNG replied. He then put on an obviously forced smile to Matt.
“Okay, just checking.” Matt returned.
Matt walked to the washroom and closed the door. Jake watched him do this then turned his attention to FNG.
“So you must be new. I can see the fear in your eyes. Don’t worry, it’ll get better and before long you’ll be in the loop of the drama. I’m Jake by the way.” Jake offered.
“It’s nice to meet you, I’m...”
FNG was cut off by the office door opening and shutting rather loudly.
“That’s Frank, he is the worst KM ever.” Jake whispered to FNG.
“Jake, where the hell is Matt? He is supposed to be here by... Oh, hey. You must be the FNG. I’m your manager Frank.” Frank said. He extended his hand to FNG.
FNG took and shook it as professionally as he could.
“Your trainer is some what touched in the head and isn’t here yet...” Frank started.
“Actually, he’s in the washroom. He’ll be out soon if you would care to save your snide comments to say to his face.” Jake piped up.
“Oh, well then your in good hands. Welcome to the team!” Frank said. He then walked out front.
“See what I mean?” Jake asked FNG.
“I don’t care for him much already.” FNG replied.
“Nobody really does.” Jake said.
Matt came out of the washroom and said, “Could you show him how to set up Jake?” As he disappeared out front to grab a coffee.
“All right FNG, this is the kitchen. First things first, we grab some wash buckets.” Jake said.
***
On the service isle Matt stood staring off at the ceiling as he poured his coffee. He looked down at his coffee to make sure he wasn’t spilling everywhere. The pot ran empty.
“That cheap fuck.” Matt said to himself.
Just then Frank walked up beside Matt with an empty coffee mug.
“DAMN IT! Why do you always do that?” Frank questioned Matt.
“They don't call me the fastest coffee snatcher of the west for nothin', partner.” Matt replied in a mock Texan accent.
“Whatever, Matt. Just put some more fucking coffee on.” Frank instructed as he sulked back to the office.
“Aye, aye captain!” Matt exclaimed as he began putting on another pot.
Matt returned to the kitchen with his coffee.
“Boy, Frank is pissy today.” Matt said.
“That's nothing, when I got here he was trying to nail Maggie!” Jake chimed in.
“Really? Did he get anywhere with it?” Matt inquired.
“No.” Jake responded.
“What!?! Maggie didn't give it up to him? I wonder why not...” Matt said sarcastically.
“Because I intercepted the pass.” Jake stated.
“You are a real prick, you know that Jake?” Matt asked rhetorically.
“Well how did you do that?” FNG asked genuinely.
“You don’t get to know trade secrets on your first day.” Matt said to FNG.
“I’m not that young you know. I do know about sex!” FNG protested.
“I’m not saying you don’t. Look, would you be able to go get some Ice Mix from the store?” Matt asked FNG.
“Ice Mix? What's that used for?” FNG questioned.
“The ice machine, it ran out of ice, so I need you to go to the store and get Ice Mix.” Matt replied.
“Okay! Is there a specific brand we use?” FNG perked.
“No. It's just called Ice Mix. Now go before we open!” Matt instructed.
“Kay I'll be right back!” FNG said. His exuberance was highly noticeable.
“Okay. Go.” Matt shooed FNG.
The words had no sooner left Matt’s mouth and FNG was gone.
“And I'm the prick!” Jake exclaimed.
“I never said that I wasn't. So how'd you do it?” Matt asked.
“I'd say Jake saved me from Frank. Frank is one of those guys that tries way to hard to get laid. I just told him I wasn't a slut and Jake came and asked me if we were still on for this afternoon.” Maggie stated as she walked into the kitchen.
“Nice.” Matt chimed with a head nod.
“We are still on for Three though, right?” Jake asked deviously.
“Fuck yeah! Since I saw Gash Gushing for Cum 42, and I saw you in action with that brunette, it got me extremely hot.” Maggie claimed.
“The part where Jake's doing her doggie style while she gives him a rim job? You're telling me! You were the first person I thought of when I saw that!” Matt said with his usual sarcasm.
Jake responded to this banter by laughing. Maggie and Matt were always in a playful state of bickering and this was always entertaining to watch.
“Matty, you are... really funny. But I know you want to have your way with me right there on your cutting board.” Maggie said, sure that she was right.
“No Thanks. I know that you have the Clap, and I'm not down with that shit. Besides, It’s not your fault that your a slut, all you truly want is to be loved. That is what you said the other night when we were drunk right?” Matt prodded.
“So what? I was drunk! People say things they don’t really mean when they are drunk! I like sex, I like it a lot, and just because you don’t get the play that you want, don’t take it out on me, because I offered! And another thing, I don’t have the clap! Well at least not anymore, so there!” Maggie matter-of-factly stated as she walked back out front.
Shaun and Van walked into the kitchen smelling like they had just been at a bond fire, but instead of burning wood, they opted to burn Marijuana.
“What'd up, Matt?” Shaun greeted.
“The same as yesterday, still at this soul crushing hell hole. How about you?” Matt shot back.
“Not much. Just smoked this wicked dope with Van.” Shaun proudly announced.
“Isn't this your first day back from your worker's comp holiday?” Matt asked.
“Yeah, but this shit just smelled sweet! I had to try some out before work.” Shaun confessed.
“Gonna slice your finger nails off again after just getting back?” Jake pressed.
“Nah man, I'm good to go.” Shaun said.
“Shaun, get to work!” Frank shouted out from the office.
“Talk to you in a bit.” Shaun said walking to the washroom to get changed.
“All right, Shaun.”
“And you Van! Your are late again! I swear, the next time your late I'm writing you up!” Frank yelled as he came out of the office.
“Go back to the office and jerk it until you blind yourself.” Van said without fear.
Matt and Jake would have laughed if they understood what he said. Frank would have probably fired him. That’s the only draw back to having a foreigner that doesn’t speak English.
“What was that Van?” Frank said angrily. However he knew it wouldn’t matter if he repeated it or not as no one understood anything he said.
“I said...”
“Just shut up and get to work! Matt, where's that new kid?” Frank cut Van off and turned his wrath towards Matt.
“FNG?” Matt coyly asked.
“Yeah him.” Frank demanded.
“I sent him to the store for ice mix.” Matt replied whimsically.
“Oh. Okay.” Frank said, then began to walk away until it sank in. When it did Frank lost it and yelled, “WHAT??? YOU SENT HIM TO THE STORE FOR ICE MIX??? YOU FUCKING RETARD!!! I SHOULD FIRE YOU RIGHT NOW!!!”
“Go head. That way I could get on with my life.” Matt returned with confidence.
“FUCK!!! I'll deal with you later!” Frank said. He stormed back to the office and slammed the door.
Frank was a wage slave driver, otherwise known as a manager. As he barreled into the parking lot he decided to parking in the handicap parking spot. There was no other reason then to show he could.
He got out of his truck and tried to unlock the door. This turned out to be one of those experiences that was very unfavorable as his key snapped on him in the lock.
“Stupid fucking door! This is going to come out of my paycheck! I just know it! Thanks you stupid fucking door!” Frank yelled.
He kicked the door, looked around, then decided to pull and shake the handle violently to try and unlock it that way. This also proved to be unfavorable as it swung open and hit him in the face. This had caused his nose to bleed.
After a short and unbridled scream of rage, he pinched the bridge of his nose and went inside.
Frank walked to the public washroom and plugged his bloody nostril with 3 squares of toilet paper. He then made his way to the office. The was a message on the machine, he pressed the play button.
The answering machine beeped and stated that there was one new message and proceeded to play it.
“Hey it's Kamron, I don't think I can make it to work today because Last night I got hammered, and I ended up in Tokyo! Can you believe it? I mean this is pretty wild! Anyway a Geisha girl hooker seduced me and stole my passport, so I need to get smuggled back into Canada on a "Fishing Boat". Anyway I'll be back in a couple days, so just get the FNG to cover my shifts. Kay Later.” Kamron’s voice said.
“That little punk! His ass is as good as fired when he gets back!” Frank promised the air around him.
Frank took off his jacket and hung it up on the coat rack in the office. He walked out of the office and went to the coffee machine to make a pot of coffee. Just then a server walks up behind him and began washing her hands.
Frank turned around startled by the sink and said, “Oh, Hey Maggie. How are you?”
“All right.” Maggie replied.
“Well.. Okay. Is there anything that you want to talk about? Possibly getting together tonight, going for dinner and possibly going back to my place?” Frank said trying to be smooth as ice.
“God! What do think I am? A Slut? Do I have a sign on my forehead that says "OPEN FOR BUSINESS" or something?” Maggie snapped.
Jake came into the kitchen with a swagger. He had heard Maggie snap at Frank when he had walked in and decided to go on with the day as if nothing happened at all.
“No. Not per-say. But I... I... Oh forget it!” Frank choked.
Frank began to walk back to the office. He looked up to see Jake coming in, gave him a head nod and kept on walking. Jake walked up behind Maggie and put his arms around her waist.
“Hey Maggie, we still on for this afternoon?” Jake whispered in Maggie’s ear.
Maggie turned her head and said, “You bet Jake. You know how much I like it at work. Makes me feel so dirty! I love when you make me feel that way.”
“Yes, Yes I do. So when do you want to hook up?” Jake asked.
“Lets aim for around three. Should be dead enough by then.” Maggie suggested.
Maggie smiled at Jake and walked away to set up the dinning area. Jake stared at her smiling until she was by the host stand, then grabbed a cup of coffee and went to his station to set up. It would be just another day in paradise.
FNG and Matt came into the kitchen. Matt saw Jake, gave him a smirk and said, “What’s up G?”
“Not much, going to fuck Maggie at work later.” Jake replied.
“Oh, not like that’s ever happened before.” Matt said as he walked to the washroom.
“No, never!” Jake shot back.
They both began to chuckle while FNG just stood frozen at the exchange of conversation that had just taken place.
Matt turned to FNG and asked, “Is everything okay dude?”
“Umm... I’m fine.” FNG replied. He then put on an obviously forced smile to Matt.
“Okay, just checking.” Matt returned.
Matt walked to the washroom and closed the door. Jake watched him do this then turned his attention to FNG.
“So you must be new. I can see the fear in your eyes. Don’t worry, it’ll get better and before long you’ll be in the loop of the drama. I’m Jake by the way.” Jake offered.
“It’s nice to meet you, I’m...”
FNG was cut off by the office door opening and shutting rather loudly.
“That’s Frank, he is the worst KM ever.” Jake whispered to FNG.
“Jake, where the hell is Matt? He is supposed to be here by... Oh, hey. You must be the FNG. I’m your manager Frank.” Frank said. He extended his hand to FNG.
FNG took and shook it as professionally as he could.
“Your trainer is some what touched in the head and isn’t here yet...” Frank started.
“Actually, he’s in the washroom. He’ll be out soon if you would care to save your snide comments to say to his face.” Jake piped up.
“Oh, well then your in good hands. Welcome to the team!” Frank said. He then walked out front.
“See what I mean?” Jake asked FNG.
“I don’t care for him much already.” FNG replied.
“Nobody really does.” Jake said.
Matt came out of the washroom and said, “Could you show him how to set up Jake?” As he disappeared out front to grab a coffee.
“All right FNG, this is the kitchen. First things first, we grab some wash buckets.” Jake said.
***
On the service isle Matt stood staring off at the ceiling as he poured his coffee. He looked down at his coffee to make sure he wasn’t spilling everywhere. The pot ran empty.
“That cheap fuck.” Matt said to himself.
Just then Frank walked up beside Matt with an empty coffee mug.
“DAMN IT! Why do you always do that?” Frank questioned Matt.
“They don't call me the fastest coffee snatcher of the west for nothin', partner.” Matt replied in a mock Texan accent.
“Whatever, Matt. Just put some more fucking coffee on.” Frank instructed as he sulked back to the office.
“Aye, aye captain!” Matt exclaimed as he began putting on another pot.
Matt returned to the kitchen with his coffee.
“Boy, Frank is pissy today.” Matt said.
“That's nothing, when I got here he was trying to nail Maggie!” Jake chimed in.
“Really? Did he get anywhere with it?” Matt inquired.
“No.” Jake responded.
“What!?! Maggie didn't give it up to him? I wonder why not...” Matt said sarcastically.
“Because I intercepted the pass.” Jake stated.
“You are a real prick, you know that Jake?” Matt asked rhetorically.
“Well how did you do that?” FNG asked genuinely.
“You don’t get to know trade secrets on your first day.” Matt said to FNG.
“I’m not that young you know. I do know about sex!” FNG protested.
“I’m not saying you don’t. Look, would you be able to go get some Ice Mix from the store?” Matt asked FNG.
“Ice Mix? What's that used for?” FNG questioned.
“The ice machine, it ran out of ice, so I need you to go to the store and get Ice Mix.” Matt replied.
“Okay! Is there a specific brand we use?” FNG perked.
“No. It's just called Ice Mix. Now go before we open!” Matt instructed.
“Kay I'll be right back!” FNG said. His exuberance was highly noticeable.
“Okay. Go.” Matt shooed FNG.
The words had no sooner left Matt’s mouth and FNG was gone.
“And I'm the prick!” Jake exclaimed.
“I never said that I wasn't. So how'd you do it?” Matt asked.
“I'd say Jake saved me from Frank. Frank is one of those guys that tries way to hard to get laid. I just told him I wasn't a slut and Jake came and asked me if we were still on for this afternoon.” Maggie stated as she walked into the kitchen.
“Nice.” Matt chimed with a head nod.
“We are still on for Three though, right?” Jake asked deviously.
“Fuck yeah! Since I saw Gash Gushing for Cum 42, and I saw you in action with that brunette, it got me extremely hot.” Maggie claimed.
“The part where Jake's doing her doggie style while she gives him a rim job? You're telling me! You were the first person I thought of when I saw that!” Matt said with his usual sarcasm.
Jake responded to this banter by laughing. Maggie and Matt were always in a playful state of bickering and this was always entertaining to watch.
“Matty, you are... really funny. But I know you want to have your way with me right there on your cutting board.” Maggie said, sure that she was right.
“No Thanks. I know that you have the Clap, and I'm not down with that shit. Besides, It’s not your fault that your a slut, all you truly want is to be loved. That is what you said the other night when we were drunk right?” Matt prodded.
“So what? I was drunk! People say things they don’t really mean when they are drunk! I like sex, I like it a lot, and just because you don’t get the play that you want, don’t take it out on me, because I offered! And another thing, I don’t have the clap! Well at least not anymore, so there!” Maggie matter-of-factly stated as she walked back out front.
Shaun and Van walked into the kitchen smelling like they had just been at a bond fire, but instead of burning wood, they opted to burn Marijuana.
“What'd up, Matt?” Shaun greeted.
“The same as yesterday, still at this soul crushing hell hole. How about you?” Matt shot back.
“Not much. Just smoked this wicked dope with Van.” Shaun proudly announced.
“Isn't this your first day back from your worker's comp holiday?” Matt asked.
“Yeah, but this shit just smelled sweet! I had to try some out before work.” Shaun confessed.
“Gonna slice your finger nails off again after just getting back?” Jake pressed.
“Nah man, I'm good to go.” Shaun said.
“Shaun, get to work!” Frank shouted out from the office.
“Talk to you in a bit.” Shaun said walking to the washroom to get changed.
“All right, Shaun.”
“And you Van! Your are late again! I swear, the next time your late I'm writing you up!” Frank yelled as he came out of the office.
“Go back to the office and jerk it until you blind yourself.” Van said without fear.
Matt and Jake would have laughed if they understood what he said. Frank would have probably fired him. That’s the only draw back to having a foreigner that doesn’t speak English.
“What was that Van?” Frank said angrily. However he knew it wouldn’t matter if he repeated it or not as no one understood anything he said.
“I said...”
“Just shut up and get to work! Matt, where's that new kid?” Frank cut Van off and turned his wrath towards Matt.
“FNG?” Matt coyly asked.
“Yeah him.” Frank demanded.
“I sent him to the store for ice mix.” Matt replied whimsically.
“Oh. Okay.” Frank said, then began to walk away until it sank in. When it did Frank lost it and yelled, “WHAT??? YOU SENT HIM TO THE STORE FOR ICE MIX??? YOU FUCKING RETARD!!! I SHOULD FIRE YOU RIGHT NOW!!!”
“Go head. That way I could get on with my life.” Matt returned with confidence.
“FUCK!!! I'll deal with you later!” Frank said. He stormed back to the office and slammed the door.
Kitchen Life: Prologue
Most people think that the Kitchen Life is easy. Maybe they think we don’t do much in the kitchen, or maybe they think their food just magically appears and we are there just to make sure it goes to their table before anyone one else gets their food. While I may not know what goes through people’s minds when they go out to eat, I do know what it’s like being one of the magicians that work the back end. Naturally I’m talking about the kitchen.
Today isn’t like every other day of my some what personal hell. There is no work. I don’t just mean that I have a day off, I’m talking more about needing to seek another kitchen, at least until I find something else that I want to do with my life.
I should really start at the beginning to give you a clearer idea of what my situation is all about.
Yesterday I was supervising while my kitchen manager Frank was busy doing nothing except yelling and sitting in the office. Me being in charge while there is a manager on shift seems to be a running theme in my life. Anyway, somehow I got placed as a trainer as well.
Now as a rule of thumb, any new guy, (or girl) that starts in the kitchen is lovingly referred to as an FNG. These 3 letters stand for Fucking New Guy/Girl. My trainee was no exception. He strolled up to the back door exactly one hour before we opened. I was doing my usual slacking out back when he arrived. I knew we had a new guy coming in, however at this point I had no clue that I was training him. I started a casual conversation.
“So you’re the new guy, eh?” I asked him without really caring all that much.
“Yeah! I’m...”
“First things first. You are the FNG, therefore you don’t have a name yet.” I cut him off.
“Okay. When do I get a name?” He questioned.
“Depends on how fast you learn everything on your station. Anyway, I’m Matt. I’m a supervisor here at the Cheshire. To be brutally honest I absolutely hate my job, and had done almost everything in my power to get fired from this purgatory.” I said. The cynicism was practically dripping from my tongue as the words left my mouth.
“Why do you hate your job?” He asked, trying his hardest to seem concerned.
“Frank. He’s the type of guy who you could picture hitting on the fifteen year old hostesses. Unfortunately he is the only guy our GM thinks is capable of being the KM. But Frank has a weakness.” I replied. The 20 semantics questions game I liked to play the most had begun.
“And what’s his weakness?” He asked. For a moment he reminded me of Piglet from Winnie-The-Pooh.
“Maggie. She is the type of girl who everybody knows. Fake, shallow, and above all, a slut. She would do anything or, anyone for and extra buck or a promotion. Don’t think that I’m being a dick, though. We are great friends. Then there is Shaun. He is what people call accident prone. Every time he got even a scratch he went on worker's comp, the guy spends more time at home getting paid then he does at work. It’s his first day back today.” I explained.
“Wait, how can you and Maggie be friends if you call her down? And why the hell does this Shaun guy still work here?” He questioned.
I sensed his confusion, so I tried to get him on the same page. This always the worst part of this game. Whenever someone gets confused the best thing to do is recap everything you have just said in as few words as possible.
“Because FNG, we are what is known as Lifers. Basically all of us hate it here, but are unwilling to go look for other jobs.” I said.
I hoped he would get the picture, but unfortunately his reply to this was, “I don’t get it.” I thought this would be the optimal time for one of those mottos we all invent in times of tested patience.
“Okay, here’s my motto: Just because your good at something, doesn’t mean that you should be doing it. So in my case, I’m an excellent cook, but it isn’t what I’m suppose to be doing.” Was the best I could come up with.
“And what are you supposed to be doing?” He asked. Goddamn it. Check mate.
“I haven’t figured that out yet.” I replied.
I got up from the milk create on which I was sitting, then began to open the back door. FNG had a look of uncertainty, so I motioned for him to follow me. Down the rabbit hole we went.
When you work in a kitchen, the natural laws of the Universe don’t apply. I think that all kitchen’s, wait... Restaurants in general should have a warning above the front entrance of the building. It would read:
ABANDON ALL HOPE YE WHO APPLY HERE.
As we walked through the door I did my best to explain the dynamics of how a restaurant works. Mostly through the people I worked with.
“Of course there are some of us who have an unfair advantage. The Foreign guy, Van Couver. He lips off in his own language and doesn’t get in trouble for it. Hey Frank.” I said.
“Yeah, same to you Matt.” Frank grumbled as he entered the office.
“We also have a quasi-superhero Dish Pig, I always try to humor him by letting him think he is fighting a constant battle with his arch nemesis: Melted Cheese and other assorted things that come on dirty dishes.” I continued.
“A super hero dish washer?” FNG asked.
Again he had that Piglet look in his eyes. He was probably wondering to himself what exactly he had signed on for. All he knew was that no good could come from this venture.
“You bet. I almost forgot about Jake.” I stated.
“Who is Jake?” FNG replied.
He looked terrified at the sheer mention of Jake’s name. Maybe it was how I had explained everyone else that made him uneasy about me telling him about yet another person that would seem to any normal sort of person as ‘unredeemable’.
“Jake is my best friend. He quit for a couple of months to try and become a porno superstar. He did all right at first, made a few titles like Gash Gushing for Cum 42, The Milkman Always Cums Twice, and a spoof porn called The Cocksucker's Guide of the Galaxy. He's a pretty good guy, but I think he is actually glad to be back.” I went on.
“Matt, I’m a little scared.” FNG admitted.
“Don’t be, everyone has to start off as the FNG sometime in there life.” I reassured him.
Today isn’t like every other day of my some what personal hell. There is no work. I don’t just mean that I have a day off, I’m talking more about needing to seek another kitchen, at least until I find something else that I want to do with my life.
I should really start at the beginning to give you a clearer idea of what my situation is all about.
Yesterday I was supervising while my kitchen manager Frank was busy doing nothing except yelling and sitting in the office. Me being in charge while there is a manager on shift seems to be a running theme in my life. Anyway, somehow I got placed as a trainer as well.
Now as a rule of thumb, any new guy, (or girl) that starts in the kitchen is lovingly referred to as an FNG. These 3 letters stand for Fucking New Guy/Girl. My trainee was no exception. He strolled up to the back door exactly one hour before we opened. I was doing my usual slacking out back when he arrived. I knew we had a new guy coming in, however at this point I had no clue that I was training him. I started a casual conversation.
“So you’re the new guy, eh?” I asked him without really caring all that much.
“Yeah! I’m...”
“First things first. You are the FNG, therefore you don’t have a name yet.” I cut him off.
“Okay. When do I get a name?” He questioned.
“Depends on how fast you learn everything on your station. Anyway, I’m Matt. I’m a supervisor here at the Cheshire. To be brutally honest I absolutely hate my job, and had done almost everything in my power to get fired from this purgatory.” I said. The cynicism was practically dripping from my tongue as the words left my mouth.
“Why do you hate your job?” He asked, trying his hardest to seem concerned.
“Frank. He’s the type of guy who you could picture hitting on the fifteen year old hostesses. Unfortunately he is the only guy our GM thinks is capable of being the KM. But Frank has a weakness.” I replied. The 20 semantics questions game I liked to play the most had begun.
“And what’s his weakness?” He asked. For a moment he reminded me of Piglet from Winnie-The-Pooh.
“Maggie. She is the type of girl who everybody knows. Fake, shallow, and above all, a slut. She would do anything or, anyone for and extra buck or a promotion. Don’t think that I’m being a dick, though. We are great friends. Then there is Shaun. He is what people call accident prone. Every time he got even a scratch he went on worker's comp, the guy spends more time at home getting paid then he does at work. It’s his first day back today.” I explained.
“Wait, how can you and Maggie be friends if you call her down? And why the hell does this Shaun guy still work here?” He questioned.
I sensed his confusion, so I tried to get him on the same page. This always the worst part of this game. Whenever someone gets confused the best thing to do is recap everything you have just said in as few words as possible.
“Because FNG, we are what is known as Lifers. Basically all of us hate it here, but are unwilling to go look for other jobs.” I said.
I hoped he would get the picture, but unfortunately his reply to this was, “I don’t get it.” I thought this would be the optimal time for one of those mottos we all invent in times of tested patience.
“Okay, here’s my motto: Just because your good at something, doesn’t mean that you should be doing it. So in my case, I’m an excellent cook, but it isn’t what I’m suppose to be doing.” Was the best I could come up with.
“And what are you supposed to be doing?” He asked. Goddamn it. Check mate.
“I haven’t figured that out yet.” I replied.
I got up from the milk create on which I was sitting, then began to open the back door. FNG had a look of uncertainty, so I motioned for him to follow me. Down the rabbit hole we went.
When you work in a kitchen, the natural laws of the Universe don’t apply. I think that all kitchen’s, wait... Restaurants in general should have a warning above the front entrance of the building. It would read:
ABANDON ALL HOPE YE WHO APPLY HERE.
As we walked through the door I did my best to explain the dynamics of how a restaurant works. Mostly through the people I worked with.
“Of course there are some of us who have an unfair advantage. The Foreign guy, Van Couver. He lips off in his own language and doesn’t get in trouble for it. Hey Frank.” I said.
“Yeah, same to you Matt.” Frank grumbled as he entered the office.
“We also have a quasi-superhero Dish Pig, I always try to humor him by letting him think he is fighting a constant battle with his arch nemesis: Melted Cheese and other assorted things that come on dirty dishes.” I continued.
“A super hero dish washer?” FNG asked.
Again he had that Piglet look in his eyes. He was probably wondering to himself what exactly he had signed on for. All he knew was that no good could come from this venture.
“You bet. I almost forgot about Jake.” I stated.
“Who is Jake?” FNG replied.
He looked terrified at the sheer mention of Jake’s name. Maybe it was how I had explained everyone else that made him uneasy about me telling him about yet another person that would seem to any normal sort of person as ‘unredeemable’.
“Jake is my best friend. He quit for a couple of months to try and become a porno superstar. He did all right at first, made a few titles like Gash Gushing for Cum 42, The Milkman Always Cums Twice, and a spoof porn called The Cocksucker's Guide of the Galaxy. He's a pretty good guy, but I think he is actually glad to be back.” I went on.
“Matt, I’m a little scared.” FNG admitted.
“Don’t be, everyone has to start off as the FNG sometime in there life.” I reassured him.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
"Together Now" Excerpt 6
The heat woke Warren up. There is something to be said about the sticky Californian heat. His head rang in time with his alarm clock. Warren looked over bleary eyed at Anne on the other couch. She just rolled over and didn’t seem to notice the alarm.
Warren reached over and turned it off. He stretched out on the love seat and sat up.
‘Relying on the kindness of strangers is awesome.’ Warren thought.
The night before had been one of drinking debauchery at the expense of other peoples wallets. Today however was a day to get into gear. If he was going to write professionally he needed to start doing it immediately!
He threw on one of the three pairs of jeans he had brought with him and his black dress shirt. He felt more like a writer already. He then grabbed the card out of his wallet to set up a meeting with Borden. The phone rang twice before Borden answered.
“Hey Borden.” Warren greeted him warmly. “What do your plans look like for today?”
“Just got a meeting with a hack writer who wants to write screenplays, however he never writes anything interesting, it’s always some sort of adaptation about some emo/goth who can’t get laid. I guess it’s supposed to be artistic or something like that.” Borden replied.
“Well would you care to get together after that and see if you would want me as a client?” Warren asked very bluntly.
“Sure man! I’ve been wanting to hear the story of how you came to Cali. Canadians I’ve always found to have interesting stories. Is 2:30 work for you?” Borden asked.
“You bet. Where are we meeting?” Warren asked trying to contain his excitement.
“The bucks on east main. It’s my favorite location.” Borden stated.
“All right, Borden. Sounds good, I will meet you there.” Warren said finalizing the meeting.
“Excellent. Later Warren.” Borden said.
“Later.” Warren repeated hanging up.
Warren was excited by this turn of events, now all he had to do was figure out how to get to the Starbucks on east main and he would be all set!
***
Anne awoke to find she was home alone. It was 1:30 and she felt mildly hungover. She wondered where Warren had gotten to. She was feeling a little frisky and wanted to congratulate Warren in a very intimate manner.
‘Oh well. He’ll be back, then I can have my way with him.’ Anne thought deviously.
She got up and headed to the bathroom.
‘Maybe he’ll come home and take me in the shower.’ She thought as she started her shower.
Anne undressed and stepped into the shower. As she washed her hair she questioned why she was having these thoughts about Warren all of a sudden. She couldn’t quite place the reason. Thoughts like: ‘Maybe we’ve been friends for so long that this is the natural progression.’ And ‘If we ended up married?’ Kept crossing her mind.
Anne never thought this before and felt confused about why she started now. She wondered how Warren felt at this very moment.
***
Warren felt lost. He had made it to the Starbucks Borden had instructed him to be at, and he was sitting across from Warren, but Borden was actually a really hard person to follow in a business conversation.
“Okay so what my firm needs is someone that can write an original idea. It has to be along the same lines of a network show, but we need it in a feature format. That Goth kid has been let go from our firm, so now it’s up to you to step up Warren. You want a shot at being a writer, this is it, I like you, and even if this doesn’t work out I still want to talk to you, but just don’t fuck this up.” Borden spit out without so much as a breath.
‘Goddamn, Borden is an amazing speaker!’ Warren thought.
“So what are some of your ideas?” Borden asked finally Warren including him into the conversation.
“Well I have this one screenplay I wrote when I was working the kitchen circuit back home. It’ll need to be revised for what you want though.” Warren said.
“Great! I want a look at it tomorrow. As long as it’s a draft we can send editors in on it and have them do the re-writes. You won’t have to worry about a thing.” Borden stated.
“One thing you should know about it though, Borden is that...” Warren started.
“It doesn’t matter what it’s about as long as there is some sort of story.” Borden said cutting Warren off.
“That’s just it, it’s not like a traditional story. The antagonist is the restaurant and the anti-hero is a shift leader, and there are something like 8 different story lines going on at the same time...” Warren again tried to explain.
“Don’t worry, the editors will make it work. You still get the credit, and I make 10 percent. Trust me, as long as you produce something, it doesn’t matter if it’s any good.” Borden reassured Warren.
“All right. So... This is sort of an important question, how am I supposed to work for your firm without a Visa?” Warren asked nervously.
“Don’t worry about that, Warren. There are ways around it. Just because you are here writing, doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to live here. You can claim that you wrote it in Canada and you were just up here for a meeting. The only down fall of this is that you will have to go back to Canada to cash your cheque.” Borden explained.
“Well... That may be a little more difficult then that. See I sort of got jack. She took my wallet and then the cop I got pulled over by impounded my car.” Warren confessed.
“Don’t worry, Dreamscape will take care of all that for you. Just make sure to have that draft into me by tomorrow. You may also want to start writing something else. That short little three sentence story would be great. Write it, make it real and then drop that draft off.” Borden suggested.
“Done! So can I ask you for a huge favor?” Warren asked.
“Sure.” Borden replied almost immediately.
“Would you be able to give me a ride home?”
***
Warren reached over and turned it off. He stretched out on the love seat and sat up.
‘Relying on the kindness of strangers is awesome.’ Warren thought.
The night before had been one of drinking debauchery at the expense of other peoples wallets. Today however was a day to get into gear. If he was going to write professionally he needed to start doing it immediately!
He threw on one of the three pairs of jeans he had brought with him and his black dress shirt. He felt more like a writer already. He then grabbed the card out of his wallet to set up a meeting with Borden. The phone rang twice before Borden answered.
“Hey Borden.” Warren greeted him warmly. “What do your plans look like for today?”
“Just got a meeting with a hack writer who wants to write screenplays, however he never writes anything interesting, it’s always some sort of adaptation about some emo/goth who can’t get laid. I guess it’s supposed to be artistic or something like that.” Borden replied.
“Well would you care to get together after that and see if you would want me as a client?” Warren asked very bluntly.
“Sure man! I’ve been wanting to hear the story of how you came to Cali. Canadians I’ve always found to have interesting stories. Is 2:30 work for you?” Borden asked.
“You bet. Where are we meeting?” Warren asked trying to contain his excitement.
“The bucks on east main. It’s my favorite location.” Borden stated.
“All right, Borden. Sounds good, I will meet you there.” Warren said finalizing the meeting.
“Excellent. Later Warren.” Borden said.
“Later.” Warren repeated hanging up.
Warren was excited by this turn of events, now all he had to do was figure out how to get to the Starbucks on east main and he would be all set!
***
Anne awoke to find she was home alone. It was 1:30 and she felt mildly hungover. She wondered where Warren had gotten to. She was feeling a little frisky and wanted to congratulate Warren in a very intimate manner.
‘Oh well. He’ll be back, then I can have my way with him.’ Anne thought deviously.
She got up and headed to the bathroom.
‘Maybe he’ll come home and take me in the shower.’ She thought as she started her shower.
Anne undressed and stepped into the shower. As she washed her hair she questioned why she was having these thoughts about Warren all of a sudden. She couldn’t quite place the reason. Thoughts like: ‘Maybe we’ve been friends for so long that this is the natural progression.’ And ‘If we ended up married?’ Kept crossing her mind.
Anne never thought this before and felt confused about why she started now. She wondered how Warren felt at this very moment.
***
Warren felt lost. He had made it to the Starbucks Borden had instructed him to be at, and he was sitting across from Warren, but Borden was actually a really hard person to follow in a business conversation.
“Okay so what my firm needs is someone that can write an original idea. It has to be along the same lines of a network show, but we need it in a feature format. That Goth kid has been let go from our firm, so now it’s up to you to step up Warren. You want a shot at being a writer, this is it, I like you, and even if this doesn’t work out I still want to talk to you, but just don’t fuck this up.” Borden spit out without so much as a breath.
‘Goddamn, Borden is an amazing speaker!’ Warren thought.
“So what are some of your ideas?” Borden asked finally Warren including him into the conversation.
“Well I have this one screenplay I wrote when I was working the kitchen circuit back home. It’ll need to be revised for what you want though.” Warren said.
“Great! I want a look at it tomorrow. As long as it’s a draft we can send editors in on it and have them do the re-writes. You won’t have to worry about a thing.” Borden stated.
“One thing you should know about it though, Borden is that...” Warren started.
“It doesn’t matter what it’s about as long as there is some sort of story.” Borden said cutting Warren off.
“That’s just it, it’s not like a traditional story. The antagonist is the restaurant and the anti-hero is a shift leader, and there are something like 8 different story lines going on at the same time...” Warren again tried to explain.
“Don’t worry, the editors will make it work. You still get the credit, and I make 10 percent. Trust me, as long as you produce something, it doesn’t matter if it’s any good.” Borden reassured Warren.
“All right. So... This is sort of an important question, how am I supposed to work for your firm without a Visa?” Warren asked nervously.
“Don’t worry about that, Warren. There are ways around it. Just because you are here writing, doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to live here. You can claim that you wrote it in Canada and you were just up here for a meeting. The only down fall of this is that you will have to go back to Canada to cash your cheque.” Borden explained.
“Well... That may be a little more difficult then that. See I sort of got jack. She took my wallet and then the cop I got pulled over by impounded my car.” Warren confessed.
“Don’t worry, Dreamscape will take care of all that for you. Just make sure to have that draft into me by tomorrow. You may also want to start writing something else. That short little three sentence story would be great. Write it, make it real and then drop that draft off.” Borden suggested.
“Done! So can I ask you for a huge favor?” Warren asked.
“Sure.” Borden replied almost immediately.
“Would you be able to give me a ride home?”
***
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
"Together Now" Excerpt 5
The day was hot and sunny. As was yesterday. As tomorrow will probably be. The events of the past week were starting to feel like a some distant and bad dream.
Warren and Anne were shambling along a boardwalk. The vendors and street performers seemed relentless and never ending.
“Do you think it was worth coming here?” Warren asked Anne doubting his presence in California.
“Of course it was! You’ll be a writer and you’ll be great! I have faith in you.” Anne beamed to Warren as she grabbed his arm and wrapped it around hers.
“What about your career as a pornstar?” Warren countered with yet another question.
“I don’t think it would be the best thing for me to do. I honestly don’t know what I want to do now, but I’m here. Your here. We’re going to make the best of it.” Anne said trying to comfort Warren’s mind.
Warren thought on this for a few minutes as they walked. He still didn’t feel great since he was accosted last week and just wanted to run home. He looked across the beach and saw happy families, thugs, beautiful women and overweight, middle aged men.
While Warren was busy in his head, he ended up running into an alpha male type. The guy spun around and sized up Warren’s frail frame.
“Hey! I know you!” The guy said to Warren.
“Yeah? From where?” Warren asked in a somewhat non-enthusiastic tone of voice.
“You write that blog don’t you?” The guy asked excitedly.
Warren laughed slightly and started getting into the conversation a little more.
“Lots of people write blogs, sir. What is mine about?” Warren asked playfully.
“Your the one that writes about yourself like it was a story, aren’t you?” The guy asked starting to question whether or not he had stopped the wrong guy.
Warren raised his finger and pointed at the guy and said, “You sir, are correct.”
“I love how you write! I wanted to be a writer for a long time, but I never could figure out how to go about it. I mean I know how to write, I just have never been able to sit at a computer and write anything that anyone would enjoy.” The guy said.
“Well I will let you in on a secret, the trick to writing anything worth reading is strong characterization. Once you have that down it doesn’t matter what you write as long as the character is relatable to most people.” Warren stated.
“Your name is Warren right?” The guy asked.
“Yep.” Warren replied.
“I’m Borden. Who might this lovely young lady be?” Borden asked turning to Anne.
“I’m Anne. It’s nice to meet you!” Anne said with lustful intent.
“The pleasure is all mine.” Borden responded turning back to Warren.
“I think you should give me a call sometime. I’m always looking for some new talent.” Borden said handing Warren a card.
Warren accepted the card. He quickly looked it over, it read: Dreamscape Agency, Borden Janson, Publishing agent. The phone number and address were neatly placed on the lower right hand side of the card.
“Thanks!” Warren said speechlessly.
“Anytime Warren. I was wondering something though.” Borden said.
“What’s up?” Warren replied.
“Your blog said it was written in Canada. Did you just move to California?” Borden asked inquisitively.
“In not so many words. Yes. When I call you I will tell you the whole story.” Warren said.
“Sounds good, make sure to keep in touch.” Borden said.
“I will!” Warren beamed.
Borden and Warren exchanged gentries. Warren and Anne continued walking.
“See Warren, things are already looking brighter!” Anne enthusiastically stated.
“You seem to forget one thing Ms. Anne. We don’t have visa’s to work here, and my car is still impounded.” Warren said matter-of-factly.
“That will come, right now you should be excited that you more than likely have an agent! Let’s go celebrate!” Anne suggested.
“Your right. Let’s hit up this bar for a drink.” Warren said smiling at Anne.
***
Warren and Anne were shambling along a boardwalk. The vendors and street performers seemed relentless and never ending.
“Do you think it was worth coming here?” Warren asked Anne doubting his presence in California.
“Of course it was! You’ll be a writer and you’ll be great! I have faith in you.” Anne beamed to Warren as she grabbed his arm and wrapped it around hers.
“What about your career as a pornstar?” Warren countered with yet another question.
“I don’t think it would be the best thing for me to do. I honestly don’t know what I want to do now, but I’m here. Your here. We’re going to make the best of it.” Anne said trying to comfort Warren’s mind.
Warren thought on this for a few minutes as they walked. He still didn’t feel great since he was accosted last week and just wanted to run home. He looked across the beach and saw happy families, thugs, beautiful women and overweight, middle aged men.
While Warren was busy in his head, he ended up running into an alpha male type. The guy spun around and sized up Warren’s frail frame.
“Hey! I know you!” The guy said to Warren.
“Yeah? From where?” Warren asked in a somewhat non-enthusiastic tone of voice.
“You write that blog don’t you?” The guy asked excitedly.
Warren laughed slightly and started getting into the conversation a little more.
“Lots of people write blogs, sir. What is mine about?” Warren asked playfully.
“Your the one that writes about yourself like it was a story, aren’t you?” The guy asked starting to question whether or not he had stopped the wrong guy.
Warren raised his finger and pointed at the guy and said, “You sir, are correct.”
“I love how you write! I wanted to be a writer for a long time, but I never could figure out how to go about it. I mean I know how to write, I just have never been able to sit at a computer and write anything that anyone would enjoy.” The guy said.
“Well I will let you in on a secret, the trick to writing anything worth reading is strong characterization. Once you have that down it doesn’t matter what you write as long as the character is relatable to most people.” Warren stated.
“Your name is Warren right?” The guy asked.
“Yep.” Warren replied.
“I’m Borden. Who might this lovely young lady be?” Borden asked turning to Anne.
“I’m Anne. It’s nice to meet you!” Anne said with lustful intent.
“The pleasure is all mine.” Borden responded turning back to Warren.
“I think you should give me a call sometime. I’m always looking for some new talent.” Borden said handing Warren a card.
Warren accepted the card. He quickly looked it over, it read: Dreamscape Agency, Borden Janson, Publishing agent. The phone number and address were neatly placed on the lower right hand side of the card.
“Thanks!” Warren said speechlessly.
“Anytime Warren. I was wondering something though.” Borden said.
“What’s up?” Warren replied.
“Your blog said it was written in Canada. Did you just move to California?” Borden asked inquisitively.
“In not so many words. Yes. When I call you I will tell you the whole story.” Warren said.
“Sounds good, make sure to keep in touch.” Borden said.
“I will!” Warren beamed.
Borden and Warren exchanged gentries. Warren and Anne continued walking.
“See Warren, things are already looking brighter!” Anne enthusiastically stated.
“You seem to forget one thing Ms. Anne. We don’t have visa’s to work here, and my car is still impounded.” Warren said matter-of-factly.
“That will come, right now you should be excited that you more than likely have an agent! Let’s go celebrate!” Anne suggested.
“Your right. Let’s hit up this bar for a drink.” Warren said smiling at Anne.
***
Saturday, January 10, 2009
"Together Now" Excerpt 4
“Honey, I’m home!” Warren said as he walked in the door. He shut the door and made his way to the bathroom. Anne was just shutting the door, she stopped when she saw him.
Warren’s left eye was black, and he had stitches. He also had a goose egg on his right cheek.
“How was your date?” Anne asked with shock.
“Well... It was more a series of misfortune really.” Warren responded while rubbing his right shoulder.
“Really? I couldn’t tell. Hold on a second, let me get a towel.” Anne said as she shut the door.
Anne came out of the bathroom wrapped in an over sized towel. It looked much more like a sun dress on her then a towel. Warren had made his way to the couch and laid down. Anne came over and sat by his legs and gently rubbed his chest.
“So what happened?” Anne asked.
“Well I went to the shrink’s office to pick her up. Her name I guess is really Tia.” Warren said not really making much sense. “Anyway, we walked around for about 2 hours talking. I finished the story of how we ended up here. Then, we got to a deserted boardwalk and she robbed me.”
“What? She did this to you?” Anne asked trying to hold back her laughter.
“No, no. It was at gun point.”
Anne no longer had the urge to laugh.
“But the story gets better.” Warren continued. “As you probably already guessed I don’t have my wallet right now. Anyway after she robbed me she took off down the boardwalk. I made my way back to my car. I start heading home when all of a sudden I get pulled over. Apparently I don’t know how to read miles because I got pulled over for driving to slow.”
“Sorry Warren, I need to go get clothes on. This towel just isn’t doing it for me.” Anne said as she got up.
“No worries. I’m not going anywhere.” Warren replied.
While Anne was changing she felt like crying. She knew that no matter what happened to her in life Warren would stick by her. He always seemed to know what to do to help her out. Save for when he was in one of his depressions. Then he was pretty much useless to everyone. She also would be there for him no matter what happened to him, but this situation she had no idea how to help him. She just hoped it didn’t trigger one of those depressions.
She came out of the bathroom in her Tweety bird shirt and jogging pants she had on earlier. Warren loved it when she wore that type of outfit. She looked comfortable.
“Okay so you got stopped by the cops, what happened after that?” Anne asked as she sat back down beside him.
Warren snickered a little before resuming the story.
“So the cop asks me for License and Registration, I explained that I was just robbed by a shrink and I was just trying to get home. He told me to step out of the car and made me take a Breathalyzer. Then I got to do all those fun sobriety tests even though I hadn’t been drinking.”
“So the cop fucked you up this bad?” Anne asked.
“No. He let me go, but impounded my car. So I guess I need to come up with $1500 US to get it back.” Warren replied.
“So how did you get beat up?” Anne asked confused.
“Well, on my way trying to just make it home I ended up running into our friend that I through out of here last night.”
“Let me stop you right there.” Anne said. “He was over here?”
“Yep. You don’t remember?” Warren asked concerned.
“No. I’m pretty sure he slipped something in my drink.” Anne said.
“So you weren’t drunk last night?” Warren asked sitting up.
“No. I had half a beer. I don’t remember anything really past that. Except you said that you were going on a date.” Anne replied feeling ashamed.
“Well, that camera in the corner isn’t mine or yours.” Warren said pointing to the camera set up in the corner. “I didn’t shut it off after he left. You could probably see what happened for yourself when you feel up to it.” Warren suggested to her.
“Yeah. I don’t want to see it right now.” Anne said looking down at her hands. “So you ran into that asshole?”
“I sure did. Well I guess technically it was him and 4 of his friends. Jesse came up and said: ‘Well, well, well. If it isn’t the writer.’ As you already know I tend to talk to much and all 5 of them rushed me. After they beat the shit out of me, I just rolled on my back and tried to piss them more, but they were done with me.”
“So that doesn’t explain how you got the stitches.” Anne pointed out.
“Well as cruel and strange as life is I met a celebrity! Not the greatest or by any means the best role model, but just funny that she stopped and helped me out.” Warren said.
“WHO WAS IT?” Anne asked raising her voice in excitement.
“Lindsay Lohan.” Warren said smiling and nodding.
“Really? I thought she was done in Hollywood.” Anne asked.
“Even so, she still is well recognized. On the way to the hospital I explained that we came here to live out our dreams and thus far have been met with hardship. When she found out I wanted to write, she sort of cringed and it appeared that she thought I wanted to write for one of those paparazzi magazines that are always by the tills. I assured her that I didn’t want to. Anyway, she brought me to the hospital and paid for my medical bill, it was eight hundred dollars just for six stitches! Then she bought me a coffee and drove me home.” Warren finally finished.
“Well I’m just glad your back.” Anne said hugging Warren.
“Me too.” Warren replied hugging Anne back. “Thanks for listening Anne.”
“Thank you for kicking that douche bag out last night.”
“It’s what we do Anne. It’s what we do.”
Warren’s left eye was black, and he had stitches. He also had a goose egg on his right cheek.
“How was your date?” Anne asked with shock.
“Well... It was more a series of misfortune really.” Warren responded while rubbing his right shoulder.
“Really? I couldn’t tell. Hold on a second, let me get a towel.” Anne said as she shut the door.
Anne came out of the bathroom wrapped in an over sized towel. It looked much more like a sun dress on her then a towel. Warren had made his way to the couch and laid down. Anne came over and sat by his legs and gently rubbed his chest.
“So what happened?” Anne asked.
“Well I went to the shrink’s office to pick her up. Her name I guess is really Tia.” Warren said not really making much sense. “Anyway, we walked around for about 2 hours talking. I finished the story of how we ended up here. Then, we got to a deserted boardwalk and she robbed me.”
“What? She did this to you?” Anne asked trying to hold back her laughter.
“No, no. It was at gun point.”
Anne no longer had the urge to laugh.
“But the story gets better.” Warren continued. “As you probably already guessed I don’t have my wallet right now. Anyway after she robbed me she took off down the boardwalk. I made my way back to my car. I start heading home when all of a sudden I get pulled over. Apparently I don’t know how to read miles because I got pulled over for driving to slow.”
“Sorry Warren, I need to go get clothes on. This towel just isn’t doing it for me.” Anne said as she got up.
“No worries. I’m not going anywhere.” Warren replied.
While Anne was changing she felt like crying. She knew that no matter what happened to her in life Warren would stick by her. He always seemed to know what to do to help her out. Save for when he was in one of his depressions. Then he was pretty much useless to everyone. She also would be there for him no matter what happened to him, but this situation she had no idea how to help him. She just hoped it didn’t trigger one of those depressions.
She came out of the bathroom in her Tweety bird shirt and jogging pants she had on earlier. Warren loved it when she wore that type of outfit. She looked comfortable.
“Okay so you got stopped by the cops, what happened after that?” Anne asked as she sat back down beside him.
Warren snickered a little before resuming the story.
“So the cop asks me for License and Registration, I explained that I was just robbed by a shrink and I was just trying to get home. He told me to step out of the car and made me take a Breathalyzer. Then I got to do all those fun sobriety tests even though I hadn’t been drinking.”
“So the cop fucked you up this bad?” Anne asked.
“No. He let me go, but impounded my car. So I guess I need to come up with $1500 US to get it back.” Warren replied.
“So how did you get beat up?” Anne asked confused.
“Well, on my way trying to just make it home I ended up running into our friend that I through out of here last night.”
“Let me stop you right there.” Anne said. “He was over here?”
“Yep. You don’t remember?” Warren asked concerned.
“No. I’m pretty sure he slipped something in my drink.” Anne said.
“So you weren’t drunk last night?” Warren asked sitting up.
“No. I had half a beer. I don’t remember anything really past that. Except you said that you were going on a date.” Anne replied feeling ashamed.
“Well, that camera in the corner isn’t mine or yours.” Warren said pointing to the camera set up in the corner. “I didn’t shut it off after he left. You could probably see what happened for yourself when you feel up to it.” Warren suggested to her.
“Yeah. I don’t want to see it right now.” Anne said looking down at her hands. “So you ran into that asshole?”
“I sure did. Well I guess technically it was him and 4 of his friends. Jesse came up and said: ‘Well, well, well. If it isn’t the writer.’ As you already know I tend to talk to much and all 5 of them rushed me. After they beat the shit out of me, I just rolled on my back and tried to piss them more, but they were done with me.”
“So that doesn’t explain how you got the stitches.” Anne pointed out.
“Well as cruel and strange as life is I met a celebrity! Not the greatest or by any means the best role model, but just funny that she stopped and helped me out.” Warren said.
“WHO WAS IT?” Anne asked raising her voice in excitement.
“Lindsay Lohan.” Warren said smiling and nodding.
“Really? I thought she was done in Hollywood.” Anne asked.
“Even so, she still is well recognized. On the way to the hospital I explained that we came here to live out our dreams and thus far have been met with hardship. When she found out I wanted to write, she sort of cringed and it appeared that she thought I wanted to write for one of those paparazzi magazines that are always by the tills. I assured her that I didn’t want to. Anyway, she brought me to the hospital and paid for my medical bill, it was eight hundred dollars just for six stitches! Then she bought me a coffee and drove me home.” Warren finally finished.
“Well I’m just glad your back.” Anne said hugging Warren.
“Me too.” Warren replied hugging Anne back. “Thanks for listening Anne.”
“Thank you for kicking that douche bag out last night.”
“It’s what we do Anne. It’s what we do.”
Friday, January 9, 2009
"Together Now" Excerpt 3
Anne woke up the next morning with a bad hangover and couldn’t remember the events of the night before. She looked over at the couch, but Warren wasn’t there. Anne knew that as soon as her head lifted off the pillow it would explode into a throbbing migraine.
Gritting her teeth she got up. Sure enough as her head came up the intense pain shot through what felt like everyone of her synapses. As soon as she tried to stand up, she immediately fell to her knees and began vomiting violently on the studio apartment floor. She wished Warren was there, he always made her feel at least a little better.
In mid heave she remembered something form the night before. She was at a coffee shop standing in line waiting for a cup of coffee when all of a sudden a guy began talking to her. Anne chatted back as not to be rude. The guy bought her a coffee, then suggested they go to a pub for a drink.
Warren and her both didn’t know anyone in California, so she decided that it would be a good way to make at least an acquaintance that they could both be friends with.
At the bar he bought her a drink. A pint of Canadian to be exact. She went to the washroom before she sat down with her new acquaintance. On her way back to the table a girl had tried to tell her something. Anne didn’t know at the time what it was, but thought it was just a greeting in California.
Anne remembered only drinking half of her beer. Everything else was blank.
“That bastard!” Anne said between heaves. That guy had drugged her. She hoped she didn’t do anything or go anywhere with him.
After about 10 minutes of being ill, Anne felt good enough to crawl to the bathroom to get cleaned up and get some water in her system.
She pulled herself up onto the counter and looked in the mirror. She was surprised to find that she looked much better than she felt. She also noticed that her clothes were different. She was in her Tweety bird tee-shirt and wearing a pair of jogging pants. She was to tired to care about how she got into these clothes at this point.
Anne made her way to the tub and began running a hot bath. She hoped it would make her feel better. She slowly undressed and eased her way into the tub. The sound of the water rushing into the tub and hitting the water already in the tub echoed loudly between her ears. The water against her skin did however feel good.
Around 15 through 20 minutes later she was startled by the door opening. Since she was the only one home she hadn’t closed the door to the bathroom. She moved as quickly as she could to shut the door. She hoped it was just Warren.
Gritting her teeth she got up. Sure enough as her head came up the intense pain shot through what felt like everyone of her synapses. As soon as she tried to stand up, she immediately fell to her knees and began vomiting violently on the studio apartment floor. She wished Warren was there, he always made her feel at least a little better.
In mid heave she remembered something form the night before. She was at a coffee shop standing in line waiting for a cup of coffee when all of a sudden a guy began talking to her. Anne chatted back as not to be rude. The guy bought her a coffee, then suggested they go to a pub for a drink.
Warren and her both didn’t know anyone in California, so she decided that it would be a good way to make at least an acquaintance that they could both be friends with.
At the bar he bought her a drink. A pint of Canadian to be exact. She went to the washroom before she sat down with her new acquaintance. On her way back to the table a girl had tried to tell her something. Anne didn’t know at the time what it was, but thought it was just a greeting in California.
Anne remembered only drinking half of her beer. Everything else was blank.
“That bastard!” Anne said between heaves. That guy had drugged her. She hoped she didn’t do anything or go anywhere with him.
After about 10 minutes of being ill, Anne felt good enough to crawl to the bathroom to get cleaned up and get some water in her system.
She pulled herself up onto the counter and looked in the mirror. She was surprised to find that she looked much better than she felt. She also noticed that her clothes were different. She was in her Tweety bird tee-shirt and wearing a pair of jogging pants. She was to tired to care about how she got into these clothes at this point.
Anne made her way to the tub and began running a hot bath. She hoped it would make her feel better. She slowly undressed and eased her way into the tub. The sound of the water rushing into the tub and hitting the water already in the tub echoed loudly between her ears. The water against her skin did however feel good.
Around 15 through 20 minutes later she was startled by the door opening. Since she was the only one home she hadn’t closed the door to the bathroom. She moved as quickly as she could to shut the door. She hoped it was just Warren.
Another Excerpt from: "Together Now"
“How are we for time?” Warren asked.
“Actually it’s almost up.” The shrink said with a pout on her face. “However I would really like to hear the rest of the story, so how about I give you my number and you could finish it for me, possibly this evening?” She said while writing her number down.
As she handed him the card with her number Warren replied with: “Sounds excellent.”
“Bye for now Warren.”
“Later.” Warren said without looking back.
***
Outside of the building Warren pulled the card out of his shirt pocket and focused on it while he was walking. Unfortunately he ended up walking right into an old lady in a walker. The old lady was not impressed.
“You fucking asshole!” She screeched as she lifted her walker to hip height and swung back to hit him in the small of the back.
“Hey! I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to... Oof!!” The walker hit it’s mark with much more power than Warren thought the old lady had in her. “I was just... HEY!” He exclaimed as she swung back for another hit.
“I don’t care what you were justing! Do you have any idea of how high my medical bills are already?” She struck Warren again. This time in the back of the leg.
“Actually no. I’m Canadian!” Warren said in pain as the walker then took a turn to his chest. “Jesus! Your just like my grand mother! OW!!!” The old lady had knocked Warren on his ass.
“That’s what you get you Canuck smart ass! Maybe you’ll pay more attention to where your walking from now on, because you sure as hell ain’t in Canada anymore!” The old lady stated angrily. She set her walker back into it’s proper position and began to hobble away.
Warren sat on the ground staring at the old woman. The sudden realization of not being in Canada had finally hit him. If he was in Canada, the chance of an old lady accosting him with a walker was almost none existent. He got up, put the card with the shrinks number in his pocket and headed back to the place him and Anne were illegally renting.
***
Warren walked into the studio apartment to find Anne getting filled out like an application on the couch. A Wal-Mart special DVD camcorder was set up in a corner recording. He walked over to the guy that was balls deep with in his friend.
“Can I help you?” Warren asked in a surprisingly calm tone of voice.
Not breaking his stride the guy replied; “Who the fuck are you?”
“Hey Warren!” Anne cut in. “This is Jesse! He’s big in porn right now!” Anne was cooing with pleasure.
“Not with that camera he’s not. I know porn standards, this douche is just going to post it on a website to make himself a quick buck.” Warren retorted.
That was enough to get Jesse out of Anne. Jesse stood up. He was by nobodies standard good looking. He had what could only be described as shoddy and extremely shitty tattoos that covered his body.
“So you think you know it all don’t you?” Jesse said to Warren.
“I know enough. Comes with being a writer. I watch a lot of porn, and I have never seen anything you’ve been in. That tells me your either a wannabe, or someone who couldn’t hack doing gay porn first.” Warren replied to Jesse trying to get a reaction. Anne lit a cigarette and sat on the couch. Warren glanced over at her, she was drunk yet again.
“I ain’t no faggot! In fact I think your the fag for bringing up gay porn!” Jesse stated heated. The blood visibly rushing to his face.
“Look, I appreciate you trying to make a few bucks from fucking my roommate, but I’m going to have to see the contract and release form for this production.” Warren stated even more calmer then he was before.
“Well... I don’t have them on me. I forgot them at the Starbucks where we signed them.” Jesse said with less aggression.
“Okay let’s see your STD report. You at least have to have one of those on you, every porn actor does.” Warren said crossing his arms and tilting his head to the side.
“I don’t have my wallet it on me, but it’s in there.” Jesse said trying to be confident and failing miserably at it.
“It’s time you leave.” Warren suggested while gathering Jesse’s clothes and putting them in his arms.
“Can I just...” Jesse started.
“No. Goodbye.” Warren said leading him to the door.
“But...”
“No.” Warren replied while opening the door. He gently pushed Jesse out.
“Hey my...” Jesse started again.
“B-bye.” Warren said condescendingly then shut the door.
Warren turned and looked at Anne. He hated seeing her like this. He was glad she didn’t get involved. He walked over to her and sat on the apartments couch.
“So he seemed nice.” Warren said trying to make light of the situation.
“He was going to make me a star and you fucked it up!” Anne said with building hostility.
“Anne. Your drunk, again. You didn’t sign a contract, or even a release form. That guy was not going to make you a star.” Warren logically stated.
“Well I need to start somewhere Warren! We’ve been here a week and all I’ve done is get drunk and haven’t wanted to go look for work.” Anne replied. She was on the brink of tears. Bipolar is a hell of a disorder.
“That would be because we can’t technically work here yet. You could go be a server for a while. I know it’s not the greatest thing to do, but it would be a starting point.” Warren said trying to give Anne some help.
“But that’s why we ran away for! So we could live our dreams! Not so we could rot in yet another restaurant in the US! Goddamn it Warren! You at least write! I’m sure it’ll be easier for you to get on somewhere and do what you want to do!” Anne replied. The hostility returning.
“Keep in mind I’m in the same situation as you right now. The only difference is I’ve left the apartment for more then a few hours this week. Anyway, I have to get ready. I have a date this evening.” Warren said getting up and heading to the bathroom.
“A date?” Anne asked.
“Yeah, it was the weirdest thing! I felt a little discouraged today and went to one of those drop in counseling centers and got asked out by the shrink!” Warren replied form in the bathroom.
“I bet your going to fuck her.” Anne said morosely.
“That’s the plan.” Warren responded with a mouthful of toothbrush.
“I hope you do, but just so you know I’m not going to come bust in on you.” Anne said with her head down staring at the burnt out cigarette butt between her fingers.
“I know, probably because I’ll be at her place.” Warren quickly replied.
“I’m just saying that I wouldn’t crush your dreams. I’m just wondering why you felt the need to crush mine.” Anne rhetorically asked as she put the butt in the ashtray.
Warren emerged from the bathroom. His hand dropped away from his toothbrush and hung loosely in his hand. He walked back over to the couch and sat next to Anne. He put his arm around her naked body.
“Look Anne. I’m not going out with this girl to try and become a writer. She’s a shrink. I know you want to be a porn star, but your not going to attain that by fucking every guy with a camcorder that comes along. I’ll help you look for work tomorrow. Real work, not some seedy fuck with a 200 dollar camera.” Warren said to Anne sympathetically. “Just rest and relax tonight okay?”
“I will. Thanks Warren.” Anne said smiling at him.
“No problem. You help me get through tough times as well. Like it or not, we’re in this together now.” Warren said getting up. “You should also get an STD test, that guy looked like a drowned sewer rat!”
***
“Actually it’s almost up.” The shrink said with a pout on her face. “However I would really like to hear the rest of the story, so how about I give you my number and you could finish it for me, possibly this evening?” She said while writing her number down.
As she handed him the card with her number Warren replied with: “Sounds excellent.”
“Bye for now Warren.”
“Later.” Warren said without looking back.
***
Outside of the building Warren pulled the card out of his shirt pocket and focused on it while he was walking. Unfortunately he ended up walking right into an old lady in a walker. The old lady was not impressed.
“You fucking asshole!” She screeched as she lifted her walker to hip height and swung back to hit him in the small of the back.
“Hey! I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to... Oof!!” The walker hit it’s mark with much more power than Warren thought the old lady had in her. “I was just... HEY!” He exclaimed as she swung back for another hit.
“I don’t care what you were justing! Do you have any idea of how high my medical bills are already?” She struck Warren again. This time in the back of the leg.
“Actually no. I’m Canadian!” Warren said in pain as the walker then took a turn to his chest. “Jesus! Your just like my grand mother! OW!!!” The old lady had knocked Warren on his ass.
“That’s what you get you Canuck smart ass! Maybe you’ll pay more attention to where your walking from now on, because you sure as hell ain’t in Canada anymore!” The old lady stated angrily. She set her walker back into it’s proper position and began to hobble away.
Warren sat on the ground staring at the old woman. The sudden realization of not being in Canada had finally hit him. If he was in Canada, the chance of an old lady accosting him with a walker was almost none existent. He got up, put the card with the shrinks number in his pocket and headed back to the place him and Anne were illegally renting.
***
Warren walked into the studio apartment to find Anne getting filled out like an application on the couch. A Wal-Mart special DVD camcorder was set up in a corner recording. He walked over to the guy that was balls deep with in his friend.
“Can I help you?” Warren asked in a surprisingly calm tone of voice.
Not breaking his stride the guy replied; “Who the fuck are you?”
“Hey Warren!” Anne cut in. “This is Jesse! He’s big in porn right now!” Anne was cooing with pleasure.
“Not with that camera he’s not. I know porn standards, this douche is just going to post it on a website to make himself a quick buck.” Warren retorted.
That was enough to get Jesse out of Anne. Jesse stood up. He was by nobodies standard good looking. He had what could only be described as shoddy and extremely shitty tattoos that covered his body.
“So you think you know it all don’t you?” Jesse said to Warren.
“I know enough. Comes with being a writer. I watch a lot of porn, and I have never seen anything you’ve been in. That tells me your either a wannabe, or someone who couldn’t hack doing gay porn first.” Warren replied to Jesse trying to get a reaction. Anne lit a cigarette and sat on the couch. Warren glanced over at her, she was drunk yet again.
“I ain’t no faggot! In fact I think your the fag for bringing up gay porn!” Jesse stated heated. The blood visibly rushing to his face.
“Look, I appreciate you trying to make a few bucks from fucking my roommate, but I’m going to have to see the contract and release form for this production.” Warren stated even more calmer then he was before.
“Well... I don’t have them on me. I forgot them at the Starbucks where we signed them.” Jesse said with less aggression.
“Okay let’s see your STD report. You at least have to have one of those on you, every porn actor does.” Warren said crossing his arms and tilting his head to the side.
“I don’t have my wallet it on me, but it’s in there.” Jesse said trying to be confident and failing miserably at it.
“It’s time you leave.” Warren suggested while gathering Jesse’s clothes and putting them in his arms.
“Can I just...” Jesse started.
“No. Goodbye.” Warren said leading him to the door.
“But...”
“No.” Warren replied while opening the door. He gently pushed Jesse out.
“Hey my...” Jesse started again.
“B-bye.” Warren said condescendingly then shut the door.
Warren turned and looked at Anne. He hated seeing her like this. He was glad she didn’t get involved. He walked over to her and sat on the apartments couch.
“So he seemed nice.” Warren said trying to make light of the situation.
“He was going to make me a star and you fucked it up!” Anne said with building hostility.
“Anne. Your drunk, again. You didn’t sign a contract, or even a release form. That guy was not going to make you a star.” Warren logically stated.
“Well I need to start somewhere Warren! We’ve been here a week and all I’ve done is get drunk and haven’t wanted to go look for work.” Anne replied. She was on the brink of tears. Bipolar is a hell of a disorder.
“That would be because we can’t technically work here yet. You could go be a server for a while. I know it’s not the greatest thing to do, but it would be a starting point.” Warren said trying to give Anne some help.
“But that’s why we ran away for! So we could live our dreams! Not so we could rot in yet another restaurant in the US! Goddamn it Warren! You at least write! I’m sure it’ll be easier for you to get on somewhere and do what you want to do!” Anne replied. The hostility returning.
“Keep in mind I’m in the same situation as you right now. The only difference is I’ve left the apartment for more then a few hours this week. Anyway, I have to get ready. I have a date this evening.” Warren said getting up and heading to the bathroom.
“A date?” Anne asked.
“Yeah, it was the weirdest thing! I felt a little discouraged today and went to one of those drop in counseling centers and got asked out by the shrink!” Warren replied form in the bathroom.
“I bet your going to fuck her.” Anne said morosely.
“That’s the plan.” Warren responded with a mouthful of toothbrush.
“I hope you do, but just so you know I’m not going to come bust in on you.” Anne said with her head down staring at the burnt out cigarette butt between her fingers.
“I know, probably because I’ll be at her place.” Warren quickly replied.
“I’m just saying that I wouldn’t crush your dreams. I’m just wondering why you felt the need to crush mine.” Anne rhetorically asked as she put the butt in the ashtray.
Warren emerged from the bathroom. His hand dropped away from his toothbrush and hung loosely in his hand. He walked back over to the couch and sat next to Anne. He put his arm around her naked body.
“Look Anne. I’m not going out with this girl to try and become a writer. She’s a shrink. I know you want to be a porn star, but your not going to attain that by fucking every guy with a camcorder that comes along. I’ll help you look for work tomorrow. Real work, not some seedy fuck with a 200 dollar camera.” Warren said to Anne sympathetically. “Just rest and relax tonight okay?”
“I will. Thanks Warren.” Anne said smiling at him.
“No problem. You help me get through tough times as well. Like it or not, we’re in this together now.” Warren said getting up. “You should also get an STD test, that guy looked like a drowned sewer rat!”
***
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Excerpt from: "Together Now"
"It is sometimes easier to live in the fantasy of another then to face reality head on." Warren said to the shrink that was quietly taking notes.
"Why do you think you feel that way?" She asked with a cold and dead stare directed to Warren.
"I don't know. Maybe because I moved out here to do something with my life and it hasn't happened yet? How about when I go home my friend is generally in some $@#%ed up situation that I inevitably have to deal with? Those could be some of the factors. At least I would think." Warren replied with a bitter and disdainful undertone.
"Okay, what is it that you want to accomplish here in L.A.?"
"To write professionally and make my mark."
Warren sat up and faced the shrink. There was something sexy about her non-attachment. It made him feel both uncomfortable and welcome at the same time. He quickly looked down at his hands.
"Do you write?" She asked in her non-emotional voice.
"I do. I have. The few gigs I did get out here have proven only to be one time deals. It's a little depressing." Warren said looking towards his hands he nervously rubbed together.
"What was the breaking point that brought you here?" The shrink asked, only this time Warren looked up at her. He could have sworn there was a faint tone of compassion in her voice.
"How did I get here today, or how did I get to California in the first place?" He asked with some slight confusion.
"Why don't you start at the beginning." She retorted.
***
The day was mundane. It was cookie cut just as the previous day was. Warren felt like throwing the knife he just dropped on the floor into the dish area. He quickly re thought the idea. Knowing his lick a server would walk into the kitchen just as it left his hand and find a mark deep in their neck. He walked over and placed it on the stainless steel counter.
“This isn’t what my life will amount to. It just can’t be.” Warren said quietly to himself.
“What can’t be?” Anne asked him in an angry sort of tone.
“Nothing. Just self reflecting.” Warren replied bitterly.
Anne dropped off her dishes and exited through the swinging door back out front. Warren returned to his self loathing position on the line. It was just another day. Filled with everything he hated about himself and everything he wanted to change. He was a writer and he knew it. Warren needed to get away.
***
Anne liked to $@#%. She was born to spread her legs and have fun. Serving provided an income but wasn’t what she was good at. $@#%ing was her calling and $@#%ing on film would grant her money as well as job satisfaction.
Her and Warren had a short lived fling when she arrived at this soul crushing hellhole, yet was interrupted by both of their ambition to push the other away.
Such as life. They both wanted self destruction and fun. It was, (so to speak), in both of theirs genetic make up. Anne knew this from the moment they met. The torment and anguish both of they felt was almost unbearable. She wanted him, yet always seemed to push him away.
It was really Warren’s fault however. Warren with all his smooth talking and easy going personality! Anne hated him for that. This is the underlying reason they could never be together.
Anne walked into the kitchen and asked quite bluntly:
“What are you doing tonight?”
“I don’t know, going home and getting drunk by myself and think about why I still exist?”
“How about if we did something together this evening? I don’t want to be alone tonight.”
Warren pondered the question as if Anne had an ulterior motive behind this. After a long pause he agreed.
On the hi-way to a little town that was an hour and a half away, Warren lit a cigarette.
“So why the sudden want to hangout and go on a hour and a half long trek to a different town for a cup of coffee?” Warren asked slyly.
“I don’t know. I felt like doing something adventurous for a change. I don’t know if you noticed but we are into each other but haven’t been able to break our barriers.”
“Yeah, I have actually.” Warren replied while handing her the cigarette. “Are you telling me that you have a thing for me Ms. Anne?”
“Not really. I just feel we need each other.” Anne laughed slightly. She knew they would eventually push each other away and still felt way to $@#%ed up over the last guy she fell in love with.
“How so?”
“I don’t know. We just work well together. We make a great team.”
“Agreed, but why do you think it will last?”
“Because no matter what we go through, we rely on each other. That’s what will make us blessed.”
“So what are you getting at?” Warren asked curiously.
“I think we should run away together.” Anne said without a second thought.
Warren laughed. “Yeah, okay. Where are we going to run to? Neither of us has much money.”
“We’ll go to California! I’ll become a porn star, and you will become a writer!” Anne stated this like it was fact. However when planning to run away anywhere, one should not be so certain about anything.
***
Warren had resumed his lounging position on the couch and continued the story.
"2 weeks later we just packed up and left. No one knew we were leaving and no one knew where we were going." Warren reminisced.
"Sounds like you 2 are in love." The shrink suggested.
"No. Actually far from that. We're just in this together now. Don't get me wrong, we do occasionally $@#%, but neither of us feel anything about it afterwards."
"Have you two ever had a falling out?" She asked with a genuine interest in her voice.
"Yeah. 3 days before we left I fell into a pretty dark place..."
***
Warren sat across from Anne at the all night diner. Anne prodded Warren a bit, trying to make conversation.
"So... What's got you down?" Anne attempted.
"Nothing." Warren hissed in a venomous tone.
"You lying. I always know when your lying."
"Good for you."
"Jesus, why do you have to be such a dick?" Anne snapped.
"Look Anne. I hate myself. I never feel like I am going to accomplish anything and I, for some reason, want to get married and have kids! I don't know why I'm feeling this way but I do. Just leave me alone for right now." Warren exploded.
"Well if by hate yourself you mean love yourself than yeah I agree! You are not the only one that gets depressed you know! Maybe you would see that you bring other people down with you when you get into these lulls! I'm going to the washroom." Anne countered with all the anger she could muster up. She got up and left for the washroom.
***
"I wasted no time in putting my jacket on and paying our bill and leaving." Warren finished.
"I bet she got mad didn't she?"
"You sir, are correct. I tried to apologize to her over the phone and through email, but she ignored me. On the third day at work I wrote down that I was leaving that night after I was off and if she was still in that she should be ready as well."
"That's really romantic! I bet she forgave you after that!"
The shrink now seemed positively captivated by Warren's story of how he came to California. She encouraged him to keep going.
"Well we didn't really talk much for the first three hours of the trip here..."
***
The road was endless. The darkness provided Warren little comfort. All sorts of doubt crossed his mind. He even considered turning around and heading home. He glanced over at Anne a few times and was met with the back of her head. The only sound came from the radio. Everyday is exactly the same by Nine Inch Nails came on.
'How fitting.' Warren thought.
Somehow he felt like he should be the one to break the silence, but was unsure how to bring up and resolve the fight they had 3 days prior to this bold and ludicrous venture.
'Guess that's what I get for befriending a girl with bi-polar disorder.' Warren's inner dialogue nagged.
"So what was your really problem the other night?" Anne blurted out. This caught Warren off guard.
"I don't know. Just everything has been getting me down lately, and you seemed like you were ignoring me at work the other day all day. That really got to me." Warren confessed. A step in the right direction.
"Are you serious? I thought you were mad at me! That's why I didn't talk to you much."
"Well I am sorry about the other night. It's the last time I'm going to say it because I know it doesn't really mean anything."
"Your right, it doesn't. This however proves it. You are willing to just up and leave with me. I know you have your doubts, but I truly believe this will help both of us work out our demons." Anne stated sincerely.
Warren was just glad they were talking again...
***
"Why do you think you feel that way?" She asked with a cold and dead stare directed to Warren.
"I don't know. Maybe because I moved out here to do something with my life and it hasn't happened yet? How about when I go home my friend is generally in some $@#%ed up situation that I inevitably have to deal with? Those could be some of the factors. At least I would think." Warren replied with a bitter and disdainful undertone.
"Okay, what is it that you want to accomplish here in L.A.?"
"To write professionally and make my mark."
Warren sat up and faced the shrink. There was something sexy about her non-attachment. It made him feel both uncomfortable and welcome at the same time. He quickly looked down at his hands.
"Do you write?" She asked in her non-emotional voice.
"I do. I have. The few gigs I did get out here have proven only to be one time deals. It's a little depressing." Warren said looking towards his hands he nervously rubbed together.
"What was the breaking point that brought you here?" The shrink asked, only this time Warren looked up at her. He could have sworn there was a faint tone of compassion in her voice.
"How did I get here today, or how did I get to California in the first place?" He asked with some slight confusion.
"Why don't you start at the beginning." She retorted.
***
The day was mundane. It was cookie cut just as the previous day was. Warren felt like throwing the knife he just dropped on the floor into the dish area. He quickly re thought the idea. Knowing his lick a server would walk into the kitchen just as it left his hand and find a mark deep in their neck. He walked over and placed it on the stainless steel counter.
“This isn’t what my life will amount to. It just can’t be.” Warren said quietly to himself.
“What can’t be?” Anne asked him in an angry sort of tone.
“Nothing. Just self reflecting.” Warren replied bitterly.
Anne dropped off her dishes and exited through the swinging door back out front. Warren returned to his self loathing position on the line. It was just another day. Filled with everything he hated about himself and everything he wanted to change. He was a writer and he knew it. Warren needed to get away.
***
Anne liked to $@#%. She was born to spread her legs and have fun. Serving provided an income but wasn’t what she was good at. $@#%ing was her calling and $@#%ing on film would grant her money as well as job satisfaction.
Her and Warren had a short lived fling when she arrived at this soul crushing hellhole, yet was interrupted by both of their ambition to push the other away.
Such as life. They both wanted self destruction and fun. It was, (so to speak), in both of theirs genetic make up. Anne knew this from the moment they met. The torment and anguish both of they felt was almost unbearable. She wanted him, yet always seemed to push him away.
It was really Warren’s fault however. Warren with all his smooth talking and easy going personality! Anne hated him for that. This is the underlying reason they could never be together.
Anne walked into the kitchen and asked quite bluntly:
“What are you doing tonight?”
“I don’t know, going home and getting drunk by myself and think about why I still exist?”
“How about if we did something together this evening? I don’t want to be alone tonight.”
Warren pondered the question as if Anne had an ulterior motive behind this. After a long pause he agreed.
On the hi-way to a little town that was an hour and a half away, Warren lit a cigarette.
“So why the sudden want to hangout and go on a hour and a half long trek to a different town for a cup of coffee?” Warren asked slyly.
“I don’t know. I felt like doing something adventurous for a change. I don’t know if you noticed but we are into each other but haven’t been able to break our barriers.”
“Yeah, I have actually.” Warren replied while handing her the cigarette. “Are you telling me that you have a thing for me Ms. Anne?”
“Not really. I just feel we need each other.” Anne laughed slightly. She knew they would eventually push each other away and still felt way to $@#%ed up over the last guy she fell in love with.
“How so?”
“I don’t know. We just work well together. We make a great team.”
“Agreed, but why do you think it will last?”
“Because no matter what we go through, we rely on each other. That’s what will make us blessed.”
“So what are you getting at?” Warren asked curiously.
“I think we should run away together.” Anne said without a second thought.
Warren laughed. “Yeah, okay. Where are we going to run to? Neither of us has much money.”
“We’ll go to California! I’ll become a porn star, and you will become a writer!” Anne stated this like it was fact. However when planning to run away anywhere, one should not be so certain about anything.
***
Warren had resumed his lounging position on the couch and continued the story.
"2 weeks later we just packed up and left. No one knew we were leaving and no one knew where we were going." Warren reminisced.
"Sounds like you 2 are in love." The shrink suggested.
"No. Actually far from that. We're just in this together now. Don't get me wrong, we do occasionally $@#%, but neither of us feel anything about it afterwards."
"Have you two ever had a falling out?" She asked with a genuine interest in her voice.
"Yeah. 3 days before we left I fell into a pretty dark place..."
***
Warren sat across from Anne at the all night diner. Anne prodded Warren a bit, trying to make conversation.
"So... What's got you down?" Anne attempted.
"Nothing." Warren hissed in a venomous tone.
"You lying. I always know when your lying."
"Good for you."
"Jesus, why do you have to be such a dick?" Anne snapped.
"Look Anne. I hate myself. I never feel like I am going to accomplish anything and I, for some reason, want to get married and have kids! I don't know why I'm feeling this way but I do. Just leave me alone for right now." Warren exploded.
"Well if by hate yourself you mean love yourself than yeah I agree! You are not the only one that gets depressed you know! Maybe you would see that you bring other people down with you when you get into these lulls! I'm going to the washroom." Anne countered with all the anger she could muster up. She got up and left for the washroom.
***
"I wasted no time in putting my jacket on and paying our bill and leaving." Warren finished.
"I bet she got mad didn't she?"
"You sir, are correct. I tried to apologize to her over the phone and through email, but she ignored me. On the third day at work I wrote down that I was leaving that night after I was off and if she was still in that she should be ready as well."
"That's really romantic! I bet she forgave you after that!"
The shrink now seemed positively captivated by Warren's story of how he came to California. She encouraged him to keep going.
"Well we didn't really talk much for the first three hours of the trip here..."
***
The road was endless. The darkness provided Warren little comfort. All sorts of doubt crossed his mind. He even considered turning around and heading home. He glanced over at Anne a few times and was met with the back of her head. The only sound came from the radio. Everyday is exactly the same by Nine Inch Nails came on.
'How fitting.' Warren thought.
Somehow he felt like he should be the one to break the silence, but was unsure how to bring up and resolve the fight they had 3 days prior to this bold and ludicrous venture.
'Guess that's what I get for befriending a girl with bi-polar disorder.' Warren's inner dialogue nagged.
"So what was your really problem the other night?" Anne blurted out. This caught Warren off guard.
"I don't know. Just everything has been getting me down lately, and you seemed like you were ignoring me at work the other day all day. That really got to me." Warren confessed. A step in the right direction.
"Are you serious? I thought you were mad at me! That's why I didn't talk to you much."
"Well I am sorry about the other night. It's the last time I'm going to say it because I know it doesn't really mean anything."
"Your right, it doesn't. This however proves it. You are willing to just up and leave with me. I know you have your doubts, but I truly believe this will help both of us work out our demons." Anne stated sincerely.
Warren was just glad they were talking again...
***
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