Kitchen Life: 86'd.

Jake began his story, (like all good stories), at the beginning of the night.

Jake and Matt had just gotten off shift and decided to have a few beers on the patio before going home for the night. Luckily for the two of them Maggie was their server and they wouldn’t have to order food with their beer.

“What do you two want?” Maggie asked. The mock disgust in her voice suggested she was in a great mood even though she was more then likely closing.

“A pitcher would be swell Mags.” Matt replied.

“Really? Just one?” Maggie asked. She was generally shocked by this.

“For the moment anyway. Matt is undecided on getting smashed tonight.” Jake responded.

“Ah. I see, well I’ll bring out two. Just to be on the safe side.” Maggie said. She left to get the pitchers.

“See Matt! Maggie just made your decision much easier!” Jake cheered.

“Yeah, she’s a good friend.” Matt smiled.

A few hours and $75 later, the Cheshire was closed. Jake and Matt were finishing their last two glasses of beer. As both Jake and Mat viewed their growing alcohol dependency at a professional level, they were just getting buzzed. Maggie joined them to cash out for the night.

“So what is your plan for this evening?” Maggie asked.

“Not sure. Possibly go to the bar for a bit then catch a show or two at the peelers.” Jake postulated.

“That sounds like a pretty solid plan.” Matt chimed in.

Maggie was counting what she made that night and didn’t even look up as she said,“Sweet.”

“What’s your plan, Mags?” Jake questioned.

“I don’t know.” Maggie answered, still counting.

“Well you should come out with us!” Matt suggested. The beer buzz was treating him fine.

“Sounds good, but I’m not going to the strippers.” Maggie stated.

“Excellent.” Jake replied.

A couple of hours later, Jake and Matt said good night to Maggie and headed to the strip club. When they arrived they were relieved to find a few empty seats in front of the stage. There wasn’t a show going on so Matt decided to start a conversation with Jake.

“Fuck, dude. The booze is hitting home. I'm fucking drunk!” Matt slurred.

“Yeah me too.” Jake replied.

Just then the D.J. came on over the PA and announced the next show. The dancer made her way on stage. The D.J. trumped, “The alluring STORMY!!!”

“Hey, I got an idea!” Jake exclaimed.

“What's that?” Matt asked. He was too drunk to be excited by ideas.

“Let's pick up the stripper!” Jake suggested.

“I don't know, dude, we're pretty fucked up. I don't think she'll go for it.” Matt articulated.

“Sure she will! Watch this!” Jake retorted.

Jake began to motion Stormy to come over to him. As Jake stood up just a little bit, she bent down. Jake whispered to her, “Would you care to hangout with my friend and I after the bar closes?”

“Sounds fun, I would love to do that!” Stormy nodded. “Meet me out front after my set.” She added. She winked slyly at Jake and Matt as she returned to centre stage.

***

Outside of the club, Jake and Mat waited for Stormy. Mat had a little bit too much booze and found the wall to be wonderful to lean against with his hands on his knees. Jake on the other hand was really was way to excited to lean, so he stood rubbing his hands together.

Mat trying very hard not to let his world completely rush away into the land of sleep started a conversation.

“Jake, not to burst your nut, but I don't think she's going show.” Matt said. He was hoping that she wouldn’t.

“Sure she will! It's only been fifteen minutes. Just relax Matt.” Jake retorted.

“I'll give it another five minutes, then I'm getting us a cab, and were going back to your place to crash.” Matt stated.

***

“So, then what happened?” Shaun interrupted.

“Well, she ended coming outside at the last minute and we ended up back at her hotel room.” Mat explained. His enthusiasm was out weighed by his embarrassment.

***

Jake, Matt and Stormy sat on the hotel bed. The drinking had slowed down to 1 drink per hour. Stormy was telling Jake and Matt about herself. Matt wasn’t sure if what he was hearing was correct and Jake just wanted to fuck.
Stormy went on with her stories.

“Then this one time when I was still hooking, this guy picked me up. We went back to his house, his kids were in bed, and his wife was out with her friends. So we get in to things, you know he starts fingering me while I'm blowing him. Just nickel and dime stuff, really. Anyway, when things get into full swing he turns to me and asks me if he could give it to me doggie style while I give him a rim job. Well I said, if you want me to do that it'll cost you another seventy-five bucks! I mean I was trying to put myself through Med school for god sake. So what do you guys do?” Stormy asked.

“Well... We work in a kitchen.” Matt said. His confusion by this point was more than apparent. Questions like, ‘How old is this stripper?’ And ‘She looks hot, but is that actually how she looks, or is it just the alcohol?’ Kept creeping up in his mind.

“That's cool. I used to do that. Except that I would hide in a cooler and give hummers to all the male staff when they got to stressed out. Man, I got paid phenomenally well. That is until they made all these laws against hookers in coolers waiting to give BJ's.” Stormy chimed in.

***

“Wow!” Van exclaimed. Sadly in the 5 to 10 minutes it took Jake and Matt to tell the story, no one still had any clue as to what Van was really saying.

Jake turned to Van and asked, “What?”

“Never mind.” Van said as he shook his head and hand at Jake.

“That's crazy!” Shaun exclaimed.

“That's nothing. It gets worse.” Matt solemnly stated.

“How? You guys nailed her, and caught something?” Shaun inquired.

“No. Nothing like that. See Matt ended up sleeping with her. He didn't catch anything.” Jake said attempting to embarrass Matt more.

“Okay, you have to realize that we were in no condition to make any judgment calls. This stripper we both thought was fucking smoking, and Jake nailed too. The problem was when we woke up in the morning we realized two things: first we had drank way too much and our hangovers were not going to let us go to work, and secondly the stripper we had picked up the night before was eighty-six years old!” Matt explained.

Shaun and Van both burst out in maniacal laughter.

“Frank must have been pissed when you guys called in!” Shaun said. He had forgot whether or not he was trying to ask a question or make a statement.

“Yeah, but he didn't even write us up because of the fact that the stripper was eighty-six. He just laughed at us the next day we came in. It’s probably my fondest memory of Frank actually.” Matt said.

“Matt, why did you bring that story up? That was really embarrassing.” Jake said.

“You brought it up!” Matt exclaimed as he raised a finger and pointed at Jake.

Just then FNG walked in the back door. He walked into the kitchen looking similar to Judas when he told the rest of the apostles that he sold Jesus for 30 silver pieces.