You Drink & Blog. You Lose. An English Essay

Andy Johnson

A.J. Mittendorf

English 103, C02

October 4, 2009/ Journal 3

You Drink & Blog. You Lose.

The way alcohol works is quite an ingenious thing, in and of itself. It has led me down some interesting paths. Most memorable time being my twenty-fifth birthday when I was drunk and lost in the woods. I saw a Sasquatch. Swear to whatever God you believe in! This is not what this essay is about, however. Sadly, my fresh six pack of idea’s was lost in the mail from Synecdoche, Quebec, Canada. Today’s topic (fortunately, or unfortunately depending on how much you enjoy my writing) is about my blog. (The mechanics of writing a blog is a somewhat difficult practice, yet with a little alcohol, an imagination and some sort of marketing gimmick, you too can have your very own internet space to write about nothing!)

The first thing I did when I started my blog was go hangout with a friend for beers. At first the conversations were a little less than small talk and way too much about Warcraft. After about a case and a half of beer was consumed, we began discussing our future plans. Naturally I cut my friend off in mid sentence as I stated that I would one day be a great writer. This went on for around half an hour. Finally my friend had enough of my delusions of grandeur and suggested I start a blog. Being drunk and highly suggestible, I did!

When I got home I sat on my computer and stared at the blank screen for fifteen minutes. (This is almost the perfect amount of time to remember what it is you are trying to do while you are intoxicated.) The memory hit me! I was starting a blog! Now, whenever you are about to start anything, it is highly suggested that you do your research! I personally don’t have the time, or motivation to go on such a venture when something important comes into my life. I need it done now! Blogger was the first blogging site on my returned search for blog sites, Blogger it was! I raced through my online application with as much agility and coherent thought that someone who is completely inebriated could and got my account activated! (I don’t really remember this step to well as it is now a drunken blur, but I am sure that you won’t have a problem with it.)

The next thing I did after my account was activated was to post something. I am a very sloppy writer when it comes to grammar and punctuation, so my first post reads something like this: Itss realy erly and I am compleetyl drunk. I jusst set this acount up and hase noe idea how offten my possts will be made avalibe for all of you my beloved readerws. In retrospect I should have probably edited it a little more before I posted, but I figured that the editing feature would have caught most of my errors. As it turns out you actually have to do the editing yourself. Stupid technology!

Anyway, after these steps are complete, the most important task is next. This task is your layout and content. The way your blog looks should visually inspire the theme of your content. My is set up sort of like a newspaper page. (I find newspapers to be boring, yet familiar.) Your content should than be able to mirror your content. What is your content supposed to be about? How should I know? It’s your blog, do whatever you want! Mine has three main features; Editorials, Celebrity Emails (which is basically me making fun of celebrities) and serial stories. Yours could be about vaginas that have butterfly wings for all I care, just as long as your layout and content have the same feeling.

These few meager steps may --most of the conclusion to this How-To guide was also lost by the same negligent mail person that misplaced the idea for this essay. If anyone has seen the original idea or conclusion for this or any other essays, please post a comment on www.awarrenjohnson.blogspot.com-- So next time you are blogging drunk, please blog responsibly.

Harry Potter: My conclusion to the whole goddamn thing.

Harry Potter has come under much scrutiny by organized religion. It has been called satanic, blasphemous and pornographic. For once I couldn't agree more with my old friends! I find the Harry Potter series to be not only homoerotic, but also set within the confines of a private catholic school! Mozoltov! In this essay I plan to prove it by giving examples by chiefly that wonderful Cinderella winner herself, J.K. Rowling.

Let's start this essay with the easy things first: Hogwarts grounds and Uniform Standards. Hogwarts is for all intents and purposes a cathedral. Much like the Vatican in Rome, Italy.

In this description Hogwarts is described as "A huge, rambling, quite scary-looking castle, with a jumble of towers and battlements. Like the Weasley's house, it isn't a building that Muggles could build, because it is supported by magic."(1) Ironically enough, this is how I would describe the Vatican!

The Uniform Standards are pretty much the same at Hogwarts as they are in any other organized religious private school: "Each student is allowed to bring a cat, toad, rat, or owl. Along with the acceptance letter, first year students are sent a list of required equipment which includes a wand, a standard size 2 pewter cauldron, a set of brass scales, a set of glass or crystal phials, a kit of basic potion ingredients (for Potions), and a telescope (for Astronomy). The Hogwarts uniform consists of plain work robes in black, as well as a plain black hat, a pair of protective gloves, and a black winter cloak with silver fastenings. Each uniform must contain the wearer's nametag. First years are not allowed a broomstick of their own."(2)

The next point I am about to make may offend some people, but in lieu of the recent memorandum by the new Pope about the statute of limitations on certain priests, I find it appropriate to address. Reader discretion is advised.

There is no doubt to anyone that there is a lot going on in the Harry Potter series, however the thing that is much distressing to me is the undertones of homosexuality. Now I do not have a problem with homosexuality. I just don't see the need to even imply such complex themes into children's literature, but here it is as brought to us by that evil British twat.

Here is the unserlying plotline in a nutshell. (Please note that I don't mention all the charatcer's, only the ones that are part of this bizzare love quartet):

Tom Riddle was a student at Hogwarts. He spent every holiday at Hogwarts, even summer vacations. Dumbledore at this time was the Transfiguration teacher. The two hit it off and have what some would call a man/boy love affair. This secret affair more than likely countinued up until Tom Riddle applied to Hogwarts as a teacher.

Dumbledore had his reputation to maintain and broke the affair off with Tom. As their encounters were of the utmost secrecy, this through Tom into a fit of rage. He then killed Hepzibah Smith, framed her house elf and made his get away. No word of the union was ever brought up.

Dumbledore made headmaster a few years later and although he probably had more encounters with some of the male students, it wasn't until his advances on one young Severus Snape proved fruitless that he put some thought into his actions.

Severus Snape was a young and vulnerable teenager. He was picked on daily by James Potter and all of his friends. He was definetly confused about a lot of things growing up, however his sexuality was not one of those many things. His main focus was directed at Lily Evans. Unfortunatly for Snape his attempts at wooing young Lily were curbed, (just as he had done with Dumbledore).

Years later, along comes Harry Potter. Snape hates Harry because he never got to fuck his mother and Voldemort hates Harry because Dumbledore wants to fuck him. Harry doesn't know what he wants to fuck, but he knows that either he's going to fuck, or is going to get fucked. It's really a win-win situation for him as he is completely confused as to what his sexual orientaion really is.

Harry tended to spend a lot of time in Dumbledore's office and always tended on recieving something from Dumbledore every visit. Sometimes that something wasn't always visible, but it doesn't mean it wasn't there deep inside his boyish body. Possibly still wrapped in a cloak of invisiblity. (Magic users tend to find more interesting contriceptives then Muggles do.) This could very well be what Dumbledore meant when he said, "It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities."(3)

Now let's compare this with the film "Bad Education" by director Pedro Almodóvar:

"The characters in Bad Education–though more richly developed than in his earlier films—are standard for Almodóvar: a priest in love with his beautiful altar boy, a gay film director who is creatively blocked and looking for plot lines in the tabloids, a young actor on the make who is impersonating his gay brother, and the brother himself, a drug addict with breast implants who longs for the expensive surgery that will make “her” beautiful. Almodóvar says the film is deeply personal but not directly autobiographical. One of Freud’s disciples suggested that in dream interpretation the analyst should treat every character in the dream as a projection of the patient’s self. That may not be true of dreams but it seems to apply to Almodóvar’s films. It is easy to believe that the priest, the boy, the director, the aspiring actor, and the transsexual are all Almodóvar’s alter egos."(4)

Although I didn't get to indepth with any other characters, (other than the ones most prevelent to my point), the characters in the aforementioned film would seem to parellel the characters within the Harry Potter series quite nicely.

In closing, I, (to the best of my knowledge), have proven my point that it is ironic that organized religion's crusade to stop consumers obtaining anything to do with Harry Potter, has itself missed the point that it is a homosexual parabel warning childern of the dangers of becoming an alter boy, as well as J.K. Rowling is a twat for incorporating such themes into her beloved little series.

I hope that you have enjoyed this little essay dear reader. Peace, love and goodwill towards man, (Save for J.K. Rowling)

-A. Warren Johnson



(1) Rowling, J.K. "Online chat transcript". Scholastic. 2000-02-03. http://www.quick-quote-quill.org/articles/2000/0200-scholastic-chat.htm. Retrieved 2009-06-31. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hogwarts#cite_note-scholastic-chat-1-0.

(2) Unknown. "Hogwarts: Student Life" www.wikipedia.com. Unknown date the page was posted or updated. 2009-06-31. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hogwarts#Student_life.

(3) Dumbledore, Albus. "Harry Potter and the Chamber Of Secrets" Harry Potter and the Chamber Of Secrets - 1998, p. 333. Retrived 2009-06-31.

(4) Stone, Alan A. "Lawless" Boston Review - October/November 2004, pp 24. Retrived 2009-06-31. http://bostonreview.net/BR29.5/stone.php

Celebrity E-Mail: Farah Fawcett/Micheal Jackson

Dear Late Farah & Micheal,

It's tragic that you both died yesterday. However I feel that there are a few things that have been left unexamined by both of your deaths. First off I was wondering if you Micheal were jealous of Farah's sex symbol status? Did the news of her death prompt you to drop dead and steal her thunder? If so, that was really selfish on your part Mr. Jackson.

Next question is for you Farah, in your cancer treatments did you ever look back and think about all that you have accomplished in the 62 years you lived? You certainly managed to keep the lime light going well past your first 15 minutes, and that is amazing! Also on a side note, will Micheal and you be having a celebrity death match in the afterlife for him stealing your thunder? My money will be on you if it does happen as I wouldn't want to fight one of Charlie's Angels.

Finally my last question to both of you is how will you both be dressed at your funerals? As you both are now spiritual beings I was wondering if you Micheal will be in your Thriller Jacket and signature glove, and if you Farah will be in your sexy sleek uniform issued by Charlie, or will you just be in jeans and t-shirts for the service, or will you both be naked haunting each others respective chapels? I think the latter would be much more news worthy and look forward to seeing how these events transpire.

Farah, you'll always be on my mind,
-A. Warren Johnson

Micheal, you'll always creep me out,
-A. Warren Johnson