Celebrity Email: The Cinema Snob

Dear Cinema Snob,

My name is A. Warren Johnson, and last week I attempted to watch a bad movie in hopes of starting a review section on my blog. However, this proved to be fruitless, as I fell asleep. The film I attempted to watch was "The Zombie Chronicles". It was (as you refer to it) "shot on shitteo", which could be a good reason as to why I was unable to finish it. With that said I do have some questions.

First of all, how can you sit through some of the films you review? This is something that really boggles me, just how? I mean there is a difference between sitting through a bad movie that you paid for (probably because the trailer looked good, as was the case with "Legion") and intentionally hunting down films like "Ax'em", "Tales from the Quadead Zone" and "Video Violence". So how do you entertain yourself to stay awake long enough to write reviews, let alone add some much needed humor for these sad excuses for films?

Next I was wondering how you manage to find these films. Sure, you occasionally mention Netflix, but I can't help but wonder how many of these films you actually own! So where exactly do you get them? Is there a store dedicated to the sales of terribly written, poorly produced and directed without style? Do you find some of these films at garage sales, or going out of business video stores? If you do find at least some of these films at stores which are shutting down, then what store would have "Salo" for sale?

Lastly, why can't you stand Kung Ti Ted? I have never met him, but he doesn't seem like the worst person ever. In fact, he seems to have a lot in common with you. He reviews mostly horrible kung fu films, but you have also reviewed the entire Pierre Kirby catalog. Sure it might be a little annoying to have coffee with him due to his bad English dubbing, but at least you would be able to understand what he is saying (sort of).

Thank you for taking the time to pull yourself away from whatever horrible film you are watching at the moment to read this little piece of fan mail.

Wishing you all the best in your quest for terrible films,

-A. Warren Johnson