Serving God Excerpt

I set the last glass down, received a fairly warm thanks and began to make my way back to Nadia and Dante. I had taken only a few steps away from the table when the young woman addressed the table.

“I know, what is he, like thirty?” She laughed obnoxiously. “And he’s still waiting tables. Maybe he should begin to think about getting a real job.” Another bout of laughter.

I stopped. My neck began to burn in my collar. I set my tray down on the ledge of a bussing booth, turned around and walked back to the table. The anger I felt was like nothing I had ever felt before.

I slapped my hand on the table. The reverberation made everything on the table shake briefly. I stared at her with the coldest look I could muster through the hot anger.

“Thirty-two, actually. I also have a dead wife, would you care to make fun of that as well? Maybe you could jest about my religious background while you’re at it.” My voice came out calmer than I expected.

A look of terror and confusion crossed her face.

“Or how about the fact that I watch Oprah and I write. Got any insights you would care to share with the rest of the table now?”

She looked around at the rest of the people at the table. They all looked as shocked as she did.
“I-- I want to sp--speak to a manager.” The woman said. Her resolute shaky.

“What for? To make a complaint about your server not allowing you the pleasure of shoving dirt in his face? Or possibly the fact that you were so rudely interrupted while you were giving your hurtful opinions and insights into the life of your server?”

“I-- I want . . .”

“No. Let me tell you what you want. You want to make my life as difficult as you can so that you can feel better about your own miserable position in life. Let me ask you something, what is it that you do for a living?”

“I-- I--. I’m a cashier at Save-On.” Her head bowed.

“So if I were to go into your store and begin giving some spit-balled opinion of you to customers in line, just in ear shot of you, would you still find this situation funny?” I tilted my head to the left.

“Well, no.”

“Exactly my point. Now, do you still want to complain about me?”

“I-- I guess not.”

I stared at her for a moment longer. Her head still facing her lap. I slide my hand away from the table and walked away.

‘Wow! I never thought I would ever do that.’

Internet Busking

Hello dear readers,

There are a few things I would like to share with you, first and foremost, the donation button. While I do enjoy writing on my blog, and I enjoy the fact that you have taken an interest in what I have to write, I have come to the conclusion that I do require a donation button as I have gotten emails about why I need one. The emails were from people who have stumbled upon this blog and wanted to pay me a small pittance for my work.

A good example of this comes from biltzed_fest124:

Hey A. Warren,
Love the celebrity emails, and some of your stories. I really liked that one about going to california with a psycho girl and trying to make a living writting. Do you ever plan on finishing that one? Anywasy, I had a simliar experience with a girl like that once. It was awful. Keep up the CMs and please finish your california story!
p.s. I would have giving you a donation as I know first hand how little amueter writers get paid, but you don't have a button! LOL.

Now, I do appreciate these sentiments, but I do not want you the reader to feel you need to send money. If you you want to, that's fine, if you can't or just don't want to, that's fine as well. There will be no subscription fee for this blog ever, so read at your leisure.

Another thing I wanted to bring up is the format of this blog. I know that I am very sporadic when it comes to posting new content, so I will be working one a schedule to securing set days to put out new content. For those of you who like Celebrity Email, I am planning on doing one a month. As there is a limited amount of celebrities in the world, to do one every week just burn through the list quite quickly. Hence why in the past I have also included tabloid celebrities as well. I will try to get a few rants up a week, and probably a few excerpts from things I am working on currently. I'll keep you posted on this new schedule.

Finally, I am also wanting to start selling some merchandise. Nothing to fancy as of yet, maybe a couple of shirts, and a few DIY made books. Although this will not be an immediate thing, I am looking forward to doing up some of these in the near future!

Well, I have ran out of things to inform you about. I look forward to hearing some feed back from you dear reader!

-A. Warren Johnson

Celebrity Email: The Cinema Snob

Dear Cinema Snob,

My name is A. Warren Johnson, and last week I attempted to watch a bad movie in hopes of starting a review section on my blog. However, this proved to be fruitless, as I fell asleep. The film I attempted to watch was "The Zombie Chronicles". It was (as you refer to it) "shot on shitteo", which could be a good reason as to why I was unable to finish it. With that said I do have some questions.

First of all, how can you sit through some of the films you review? This is something that really boggles me, just how? I mean there is a difference between sitting through a bad movie that you paid for (probably because the trailer looked good, as was the case with "Legion") and intentionally hunting down films like "Ax'em", "Tales from the Quadead Zone" and "Video Violence". So how do you entertain yourself to stay awake long enough to write reviews, let alone add some much needed humor for these sad excuses for films?

Next I was wondering how you manage to find these films. Sure, you occasionally mention Netflix, but I can't help but wonder how many of these films you actually own! So where exactly do you get them? Is there a store dedicated to the sales of terribly written, poorly produced and directed without style? Do you find some of these films at garage sales, or going out of business video stores? If you do find at least some of these films at stores which are shutting down, then what store would have "Salo" for sale?

Lastly, why can't you stand Kung Ti Ted? I have never met him, but he doesn't seem like the worst person ever. In fact, he seems to have a lot in common with you. He reviews mostly horrible kung fu films, but you have also reviewed the entire Pierre Kirby catalog. Sure it might be a little annoying to have coffee with him due to his bad English dubbing, but at least you would be able to understand what he is saying (sort of).

Thank you for taking the time to pull yourself away from whatever horrible film you are watching at the moment to read this little piece of fan mail.

Wishing you all the best in your quest for terrible films,

-A. Warren Johnson

Celebrity Email: Rob Zombie

Dear Mr. Zombie,

My name is A. Warren Johnson and I am a big fan! I've been listening to you music since I was in grade seven, and have always enjoyed revisiting the "Astro-Creep 2000" album from time to time. Although, I find the music on "Astro-Creep 2000" hasn't really evolved at all since the first experience. Now I know you are probably busy re-creating some horror film that does not need to be updated, I will keep my questions short and to the point.

First of all, I have always wondered why you perpetuate the image of being an undead rockstar, yet always seem to have a giant robot on stage whenever you tour. Is this a symbol of the "Zombie" being kept alive by technology? Or merely to blur the line between horror and science fiction? More importantly, why the robot from "Astro Zombies"? I mean it does look really cool, but "Astro Zombies" is the kind of movie that a seventh grade school kid would write because they do not understand story structure or the purpose of narrative. However, I suppose it does sort of give a nod to the "Astro-Creep 2000" album. Although, it is a very flimsy nod.

Next I was wondering if you and your wife have horror themed sex? I know, I know, it is truly a personal question, but one that I can't stop pondering. The reason I ask is due mostly to that episode of "Cribs" where you showcased your horror film collection and life sized replica of Frankenstein's Monster. So naturally, if you are that serious about the horror genre, then one can't help but ponder if you dress up like the wolfman while your wife dresses up like a seductive space spirit . . . Or some such character.

Finally, what is the point of "El Superbeasto"? I really can't figure it out, and believe me, I have watched it close to eighteen times, and still cannot see the purpose of the film. For instance, why is there a scene which spoofs "School House Rock"? It felt out of place with the whole "Sudsy Powers of Hell" speech. Sure, there was bubbles in the transmogrified portion of the song, but what are these sudsy powers of hell? Why does Dr. Satan require them? How do these suds even work? When-- well okay, the when was explained . . . But it still made no sense! Oh well, I am sure you will be able to explain it once you reply.

I would like to take this moment to thank you for reading this letter, and I hope I have not interrupted you in a repeat viewing of "Dawn of the Dead" in your personal theater.

Happy Halloween Hootenannying,

-A. Warren Johnson

Kitchen Life Excerpt

FNG walks over to Jake.

FNG:
Hey Jake.

JAKE:
(Wiping off a cutting board) What’s going on FNG?

FNG:
I think I may have pissed Matt off.

JAKE:
(Stops wiping) Yeah? And how did you do that?

FNG:
Well, I asked him about Maggie, then he brought up Frank chasing Maggie and--

JAKE:
(Cuts FNG off) Say no more. One thing you should never do is defend Frank to Matt.

FNG:
Well I just wanted to know why Matt . . .

JAKE:
And Frank don’t get along?

FNG nods.

JAKE:
(Pause) Have you noticed that sign by the office yet?

FNG:
There are a few signs by the office. Which one?

JAKE:
(Sighs) The one about referring people as a manager. You get a bonus if you refer someone and they become a manager. When Matt and I first got hired, Frank already worked here. At that point he was only a line cook. Soon there was a huge turnover in staff. Needless to say Matt and I became senior staff, and Matt was promoted to a supervisor.

This is where Frank and Matt’s feud started. See Frank disliked the fact that he was a few years older than us and had to take orders from Matt, so Frank usually didn’t do anything Matt had asked him to do. Needless to say, always infuriated Matt. Soon Frank was also promoted to supervisor, which pissed Matt off even more.

However, it wasn’t really the fact that Frank was promoted that got to Matt, it was the fact that Frank never listened to people above him and was rewarded for his insubordination that was the problem.

Anyway, a few months after Frank’s promotion, our corporate master’s introduced this system of referring people into management positions. Much like a democracy, people nominate others and depending on how many people nominate someone dictates who gets into management.

There is a cash bonus for the first person that refers someone, so naturally I referred Matt because we were short on rent. Unfortunately for Matt, he had a gay stalker that used to work here. Now this guys was friends with a lot of staff whom no longer work here, and guess who they all referred. Now the only reason they referred Frank was to get back at Matt for having a restraining order put against this particular server, otherwise Matt would be in Frank’s position today.

FNG:
Wow! That’s intense.

JAKE:
Sure was. No matter what bullshit you hear about this being a “fun place to work”, don’t believe it for a second. Just because everyone is just trying to keep their jobs doesn’t mean that things are any less politically charged.

FNG:
So even me wanting to ask Maggie out is politically charged?

JAKE:
What? How does Maggie factor into this equation?