Dear Pink,
I write to you this fine evening, not as a fan, rather as a concerned party. I have recently seen the video for your song 'Sober' and was utterly disgusted that you were touching yourself in every scene! Don't get the wrong idea here, I would love to meet alternate versions of myself. However, for you to be so careless about the whole situation is something that I feel I need to address.
First of all, did you even consider that your actions could have dire consequences to the whole universe? By this I am naturally talking about matter touching anti-matter. Thankfully I believe the universe is still in tact for the time being, but this doesn't mean that you are excused from your civil duty to not end the whole of humanity because you missed science class!
Next I wanted to know if you used something, anything to protect yourself when you had intercourse with, well... Yourself. I know what you are thinking right about now, "Well I don't have anything, and she is me, so..." Wrong! Just because she is you, you are failing to realize that she is from a parallel universe! You don't know if you're, she... Whatever, is clean!
The last thing that has been bugging me about this whole ordeal is the connotations with your husband. How does he feel about you sleeping around with alternate reality you? Did he consider it cheating, or did he find it hot in some weird, star trek kind of way? Please get back to me about this as I really would like some sleep at some point this week!
Thank you for taking the time to read my concerns on this matter and next time, do try to be a little more careful when tempting fate.
Your somewhat-distressed-friend-that-is-paranoid-that-you-may-have-almost-ended-all-life-as-we-know-it,
-A. Warren Johnson
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