Dear Pink,
I write to you this fine evening, not as a fan, rather as a concerned party. I have recently seen the video for your song 'Sober' and was utterly disgusted that you were touching yourself in every scene! Don't get the wrong idea here, I would love to meet alternate versions of myself. However, for you to be so careless about the whole situation is something that I feel I need to address.
First of all, did you even consider that your actions could have dire consequences to the whole universe? By this I am naturally talking about matter touching anti-matter. Thankfully I believe the universe is still in tact for the time being, but this doesn't mean that you are excused from your civil duty to not end the whole of humanity because you missed science class!
Next I wanted to know if you used something, anything to protect yourself when you had intercourse with, well... Yourself. I know what you are thinking right about now, "Well I don't have anything, and she is me, so..." Wrong! Just because she is you, you are failing to realize that she is from a parallel universe! You don't know if you're, she... Whatever, is clean!
The last thing that has been bugging me about this whole ordeal is the connotations with your husband. How does he feel about you sleeping around with alternate reality you? Did he consider it cheating, or did he find it hot in some weird, star trek kind of way? Please get back to me about this as I really would like some sleep at some point this week!
Thank you for taking the time to read my concerns on this matter and next time, do try to be a little more careful when tempting fate.
Your somewhat-distressed-friend-that-is-paranoid-that-you-may-have-almost-ended-all-life-as-we-know-it,
-A. Warren Johnson
Write or wrong, it's still in poor taste.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Kitchen Life: Enter the Dish Pig
While Matt was busy insuring that FNG had set up his station well enough to get through lunch, a strange and somewhat odd looking figure entered the kitchen.
He stood 6’ 2” and appeared roughly to be 200 pounds. His black uniform was matched by his black mask. FNG happened to look up from his station to see this rather strange sight. He quietly contemplated whether or not he made a good choice his job selection.
“Hey Dish Pig! How are you today?” Shaun asked.
“I am Fine. Thank you for Asking!” Dish Pig answered. His Politeness was enough to make FNG question Dish Pigs motives.
“Catch any criminals last night?” Shaun asked. His sarcasm was as subtle as a swan dive that took a wrong turn to a belly flop.
“None. It seems that crime took the night off. It's all greek to me, I mean I do not understand. How could criminals just let a city alone, it just does not add up.” Dish Pig was sure that a criminal syndicate somewhere in the city was planning an attack of epic proportions.
“Don't worry, maybe tonight will be the night!” Van encouraged. Dish Pig also wasn’t fluent in any other language thus his words were lost to Dish Pig.
“Excuse me? I did not quite catch that.” Dish Pig said. His voice trying to strike fear into the heart of Van Couver.
Van slapped his forehead out of frustration and retorted, “Never mind. Fucking people, I mean why can't why all just speak one language?” Van’s physical actions were comical even though he was being serious.
Dish Pig leaned into Shaun and whispered, “What is he saying? I never have trusted him. He is quite shady, perhaps I shall keep my watchful eye upon that foreigner.”
“Do whatever you think is necessary.” Shaun replied. His focus was more on not losing a finger while he was cutting carrots for stock rather then on the antics of Van and Dish Pig.
Dish Pig patted Shaun on the back and said, “Indeed, my young friend. And rest assure that under this mask is someone who cares for the whole of humanity! Now...” Dish Pig raised his right arm and extended his index finger. “TO THE DISH PIT!”
Maggie entered the kitchen just as Dish Pig made his bold exclamation and said, “Hey Dish Pig, your looking good today! Have you been working out?”
Dish Pig lowered his arm and struck a heroic pose. “Why, yes. I have. Thank you for noticing, you charming young lass, but now I must fight the one true nemesis I have here. It is time to free all those poor and helpless dishes break free from the evil clutches of GREASE AND GRIM! For I am the advent of cleanliness! I am DISH PIG!!!” Dish Pig dashed off to save the poor helpless dishes.
***
INTERLUDE: Dish Pig’s Story.
Six months ago in a kitchen south east of the Cheshire. The hero known as the Dish Pig was a short order cook. He wasn’t always a hero, at times he was right down ridiculous.
To give you an example, two days before this interlude occurs, the Dish Pig had accidentally aided a robbery. Yes, even heroes are prone to make mistakes.
The events that took place are as follows:
The night was cool and Dish Pig had just gotten off shift. He (in these days, he was known as Donnie) was walking home and saw a masked man and a old lady with a walker having an epic battle over a hand bag.
As any good citizen would do, Dish Pig went to save the day. Unfortunately Dish Pig got bested by the masked man and he forcefully took the bag from the old lady with the walker and handed it gently handed it to the masked man. The masked man then sprinted away laughing as Dish Pig faced the wrath of the old lady with the walker.
This day however was not like his earlier misadventure. It was a completely different misadventure.
Dish Pig worked over the flat-top. Quesadillas and philly beef sandwiches were his specialty. After he finished cooking the pub slop, he began to clean the grill using the prescribed cleaning solution. Suddenly a bunch of steam rose from the grill and hit him in the face! Dish Pig backed away from the flat-top held his face and fell to his knees.
“NNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!” Dish Pig wailed. His cry was loud enough to turn the heads of all the patrons in the dingy little pub.
As Dish Pig was convulsing on the floor two of his fellow cooks enter the kitchen to start their shift. Their mild and crude conversation ended abruptly as they see Dish Pig on the floor.
The first cook to enter the kitchen turned to the second cook to enter the kitchen and asks, “What’s he doing?”
“I don’t know.” The second cook replies. After this short exchange they both leaned against the counter to watch and figure out what exactly was going on.
Dish Pig felt every nerve of his being change and transform into something not quite human as he flopped around on the ground. His eyes rolled into the back of his skull, his teeth clenched, and then it was all over. Dish Pig lay on the ground. Still as someone that had just dropped dead of a heart attack.
Cook one with about as much enthusiasm and exuberance of a rock asked, “Is he dead?”
“How should I know? Go poke him in the ribs, or something.” The second cook replied.
Cook one was bewildered at the mere thought and said, “Fuck that! If he is dead, then it will look like I killed him!”
“Fine you big puss, I’ll do it.” The second cook responded.
He grabbed the fryer poker that was on the counter behind him and slowly walked over to Dish Pig. He then gently poked him in the back once, Dish Pig didn’t move. He poked him again a few more times, yet still no response. The second cook went to poke him once more, but just then, Dish Pig got up slowly to his knees, then he stood up.
“I AM...” Dish Pig started, but then pause for dramatic effect as he turned around. “A SUPER HERO!!!” Dish Pig finished. This again was enough to turn the heads of the slum that inhabited the pub south east of the Cheshire.
***
He stood 6’ 2” and appeared roughly to be 200 pounds. His black uniform was matched by his black mask. FNG happened to look up from his station to see this rather strange sight. He quietly contemplated whether or not he made a good choice his job selection.
“Hey Dish Pig! How are you today?” Shaun asked.
“I am Fine. Thank you for Asking!” Dish Pig answered. His Politeness was enough to make FNG question Dish Pigs motives.
“Catch any criminals last night?” Shaun asked. His sarcasm was as subtle as a swan dive that took a wrong turn to a belly flop.
“None. It seems that crime took the night off. It's all greek to me, I mean I do not understand. How could criminals just let a city alone, it just does not add up.” Dish Pig was sure that a criminal syndicate somewhere in the city was planning an attack of epic proportions.
“Don't worry, maybe tonight will be the night!” Van encouraged. Dish Pig also wasn’t fluent in any other language thus his words were lost to Dish Pig.
“Excuse me? I did not quite catch that.” Dish Pig said. His voice trying to strike fear into the heart of Van Couver.
Van slapped his forehead out of frustration and retorted, “Never mind. Fucking people, I mean why can't why all just speak one language?” Van’s physical actions were comical even though he was being serious.
Dish Pig leaned into Shaun and whispered, “What is he saying? I never have trusted him. He is quite shady, perhaps I shall keep my watchful eye upon that foreigner.”
“Do whatever you think is necessary.” Shaun replied. His focus was more on not losing a finger while he was cutting carrots for stock rather then on the antics of Van and Dish Pig.
Dish Pig patted Shaun on the back and said, “Indeed, my young friend. And rest assure that under this mask is someone who cares for the whole of humanity! Now...” Dish Pig raised his right arm and extended his index finger. “TO THE DISH PIT!”
Maggie entered the kitchen just as Dish Pig made his bold exclamation and said, “Hey Dish Pig, your looking good today! Have you been working out?”
Dish Pig lowered his arm and struck a heroic pose. “Why, yes. I have. Thank you for noticing, you charming young lass, but now I must fight the one true nemesis I have here. It is time to free all those poor and helpless dishes break free from the evil clutches of GREASE AND GRIM! For I am the advent of cleanliness! I am DISH PIG!!!” Dish Pig dashed off to save the poor helpless dishes.
***
INTERLUDE: Dish Pig’s Story.
Six months ago in a kitchen south east of the Cheshire. The hero known as the Dish Pig was a short order cook. He wasn’t always a hero, at times he was right down ridiculous.
To give you an example, two days before this interlude occurs, the Dish Pig had accidentally aided a robbery. Yes, even heroes are prone to make mistakes.
The events that took place are as follows:
The night was cool and Dish Pig had just gotten off shift. He (in these days, he was known as Donnie) was walking home and saw a masked man and a old lady with a walker having an epic battle over a hand bag.
As any good citizen would do, Dish Pig went to save the day. Unfortunately Dish Pig got bested by the masked man and he forcefully took the bag from the old lady with the walker and handed it gently handed it to the masked man. The masked man then sprinted away laughing as Dish Pig faced the wrath of the old lady with the walker.
This day however was not like his earlier misadventure. It was a completely different misadventure.
Dish Pig worked over the flat-top. Quesadillas and philly beef sandwiches were his specialty. After he finished cooking the pub slop, he began to clean the grill using the prescribed cleaning solution. Suddenly a bunch of steam rose from the grill and hit him in the face! Dish Pig backed away from the flat-top held his face and fell to his knees.
“NNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!” Dish Pig wailed. His cry was loud enough to turn the heads of all the patrons in the dingy little pub.
As Dish Pig was convulsing on the floor two of his fellow cooks enter the kitchen to start their shift. Their mild and crude conversation ended abruptly as they see Dish Pig on the floor.
The first cook to enter the kitchen turned to the second cook to enter the kitchen and asks, “What’s he doing?”
“I don’t know.” The second cook replies. After this short exchange they both leaned against the counter to watch and figure out what exactly was going on.
Dish Pig felt every nerve of his being change and transform into something not quite human as he flopped around on the ground. His eyes rolled into the back of his skull, his teeth clenched, and then it was all over. Dish Pig lay on the ground. Still as someone that had just dropped dead of a heart attack.
Cook one with about as much enthusiasm and exuberance of a rock asked, “Is he dead?”
“How should I know? Go poke him in the ribs, or something.” The second cook replied.
Cook one was bewildered at the mere thought and said, “Fuck that! If he is dead, then it will look like I killed him!”
“Fine you big puss, I’ll do it.” The second cook responded.
He grabbed the fryer poker that was on the counter behind him and slowly walked over to Dish Pig. He then gently poked him in the back once, Dish Pig didn’t move. He poked him again a few more times, yet still no response. The second cook went to poke him once more, but just then, Dish Pig got up slowly to his knees, then he stood up.
“I AM...” Dish Pig started, but then pause for dramatic effect as he turned around. “A SUPER HERO!!!” Dish Pig finished. This again was enough to turn the heads of the slum that inhabited the pub south east of the Cheshire.
***
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
College Days: My Fair Lady
September 15, 2009
I walk into English 101 at a quarter to 7 pm. Strangely my class is quiet and dark. A.J. is an happy and upbeat teacher, so the quietness doesn't immediately make sense to me, however I enter the class anyway. I hope I have the right room. Thankfully I notice A.J. sitting at a table to the left hand side if the class as I walk in. A film is playing, it is "My Fair Lady".
I sit down and try to figure out exactly what is going on in the film. (For those of you that don't know this already: It's a musical.) The movie itself is very humorous, although probably not high on the "Recommended Viewing" of the feminist movement, even though the main male lead of the film is abusive and neglectful of the female lead.
After the class we have a short discussion about some of the points A.J. considers important. Namely the ending of the male lead not 'seeing' the female lead again. Answers about comprimise and seeing her as a lady and not as dirt are brought up. I keep silent. My views are radically different and don't really fit in with the class.
My view of "My Fair Lady" is simple and quaint. Even though my view focuses more broadly on the whole story, I find it to still be relevant to the theme. As I see it, "My Fair Lady" is about a social male that views himself to be outside of his social bracket. This is very apparent in on scene dealing with a horse race. The male lead shows up very under dressed for this event. This I found to be a visual approach to showing the audience his social status rather then explain it. He also mistreats the female lead for pretty much the whole film and describes himself as a established bachelor. He eventually swallows his pride and tells the female lead how he feels about her, but by that point he had already lost her.
In other words: The male lead is a jerk in order to establish his place with in his social bracket as well as to hide his flaws. This is only my view on "My Fair Lady" though. As I have been known to be wrong before, I urge anyone who is in school reading this to draw their own conclusions.
-A. Warren Johnson
I walk into English 101 at a quarter to 7 pm. Strangely my class is quiet and dark. A.J. is an happy and upbeat teacher, so the quietness doesn't immediately make sense to me, however I enter the class anyway. I hope I have the right room. Thankfully I notice A.J. sitting at a table to the left hand side if the class as I walk in. A film is playing, it is "My Fair Lady".
I sit down and try to figure out exactly what is going on in the film. (For those of you that don't know this already: It's a musical.) The movie itself is very humorous, although probably not high on the "Recommended Viewing" of the feminist movement, even though the main male lead of the film is abusive and neglectful of the female lead.
After the class we have a short discussion about some of the points A.J. considers important. Namely the ending of the male lead not 'seeing' the female lead again. Answers about comprimise and seeing her as a lady and not as dirt are brought up. I keep silent. My views are radically different and don't really fit in with the class.
My view of "My Fair Lady" is simple and quaint. Even though my view focuses more broadly on the whole story, I find it to still be relevant to the theme. As I see it, "My Fair Lady" is about a social male that views himself to be outside of his social bracket. This is very apparent in on scene dealing with a horse race. The male lead shows up very under dressed for this event. This I found to be a visual approach to showing the audience his social status rather then explain it. He also mistreats the female lead for pretty much the whole film and describes himself as a established bachelor. He eventually swallows his pride and tells the female lead how he feels about her, but by that point he had already lost her.
In other words: The male lead is a jerk in order to establish his place with in his social bracket as well as to hide his flaws. This is only my view on "My Fair Lady" though. As I have been known to be wrong before, I urge anyone who is in school reading this to draw their own conclusions.
-A. Warren Johnson
Celebrity E-Mail: Kanye West
Dear Kanye,
Good day Mr. West! My name is A. Warren Johnson. I have recently come to the conclusion that you are the next in line to change the music scene! In the tradition of the Beatles and Korn it is my opinion that you will ruin music next. Now this email is not to inflate your self esteem, I actually have a few questions that have been fluttering around in my head.
My first question for you is how do you deal with being so great? I mean I have a hard enough time just being popular, but you sir, you are great! You are great at seriously everything! Great at being mediocre, great at taking other people's music and making it your own and even great at ruining other people's moments! How do you do it?
Next I was wondering what is the best way that one could possibly reach the level of greatness you have obtained? I have always wanted to be great at something and next to you I feel inadequate next to the enigma that is Kanye West. What is your secret? Please tell me, as I hope to one day be able to stand next to the legend.
Last I have been boggled by the recent events that transpired at the video awards. I have just recently heard about what happened and have been unable to youtube the incident. Did she best you at your own game? Did she woo a lady that you were after? Or did she just write an original song? I don't understand what exactly happened! I mean she is a young country song that would probably never sample a Daft Punk song, so what was your problem with her? I would love an answer to that.
Anyway, I have some chores to attend to, so thank you for taking the time to read this insignificant letter.
Your nobody fan in the great sea of nobodies,
-A. Warren Johnson
Good day Mr. West! My name is A. Warren Johnson. I have recently come to the conclusion that you are the next in line to change the music scene! In the tradition of the Beatles and Korn it is my opinion that you will ruin music next. Now this email is not to inflate your self esteem, I actually have a few questions that have been fluttering around in my head.
My first question for you is how do you deal with being so great? I mean I have a hard enough time just being popular, but you sir, you are great! You are great at seriously everything! Great at being mediocre, great at taking other people's music and making it your own and even great at ruining other people's moments! How do you do it?
Next I was wondering what is the best way that one could possibly reach the level of greatness you have obtained? I have always wanted to be great at something and next to you I feel inadequate next to the enigma that is Kanye West. What is your secret? Please tell me, as I hope to one day be able to stand next to the legend.
Last I have been boggled by the recent events that transpired at the video awards. I have just recently heard about what happened and have been unable to youtube the incident. Did she best you at your own game? Did she woo a lady that you were after? Or did she just write an original song? I don't understand what exactly happened! I mean she is a young country song that would probably never sample a Daft Punk song, so what was your problem with her? I would love an answer to that.
Anyway, I have some chores to attend to, so thank you for taking the time to read this insignificant letter.
Your nobody fan in the great sea of nobodies,
-A. Warren Johnson
Monday, September 14, 2009
The Continuing adventures of A. Warren
HELLO DEAR READERS!!!
I have missed writing to you all. I have recently taken up a academic career at my local college! Hence the constant lapses and missed posts I should have been doing. As I am now a student, I have been learning all sorts of interesting things in the ivory tower.
I am taking 2 English courses, Philosophy and Psychology. With this said, I have found them to be somewhat slow going. Just a quick and fun fact, Philosophy is about the journey and not the end destination. Thus any fundamental question posed can not be answered. This trek (as stated earlier) is slow. Classes are short and bite sized, but I find them to be less informative due to the time constraints. Anyway, just wanted to check in with you all and make sure that you know that I will try and update as much as possible in this school year.
-A. Warren Johnson
I have missed writing to you all. I have recently taken up a academic career at my local college! Hence the constant lapses and missed posts I should have been doing. As I am now a student, I have been learning all sorts of interesting things in the ivory tower.
I am taking 2 English courses, Philosophy and Psychology. With this said, I have found them to be somewhat slow going. Just a quick and fun fact, Philosophy is about the journey and not the end destination. Thus any fundamental question posed can not be answered. This trek (as stated earlier) is slow. Classes are short and bite sized, but I find them to be less informative due to the time constraints. Anyway, just wanted to check in with you all and make sure that you know that I will try and update as much as possible in this school year.
-A. Warren Johnson
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