Life Lessons: Family Restaurants

Hello dear readers,

There is something chapping my ass that I feel should be addressed. No, it is not chaffing or hemorrhoids. It is a plague on us consumers (yes I am just as much a consumer whore as you are) that needs some serious reconsideration.

Naturally I am talking about the idea of "family restaurants". Now just stop and take that in for a second. Most restaurants are aimed at families, this in it self is a quaint idea, but the sad truth is restaurants are the furthest thing from family oriented.

Exhibit A: The staff. While I personally have a deep affection for those lost souls whom wander the depths of the kitchen, working stiff wait staff, and even the incompetent (not to mention almost useless) management slave drivers; Most people do not. Restaurant staff (like most of the working class) are simply there to serve.

Whether it's a server in servitude of the customer, or the cooks in service of the servers. At the end of the day the whole driving force behind the operation is to turn a profit. This is the first of numerous red flags that should keep the consumer cautious.

The next is the more subtle aspects. The rules placed upon these unfortunate enough to find themselves working in such a disgusting den of vile scum and villainy. (Yep. That was a Star Wars reference.) Regulations that require servers to plaster hollow smiles and well wishing upon disrespectful and disregarding clientele, or having such clauses like "Having fun is a must!" only to have them over ruled by people who make to much goddamn money and don't pull there own weight. Yeah. What a great managing strategy.

My personal favorite is the no swearing rule. "This is a family restaurant. Do it again and I'll write you up." This rule is my favorite because of the juxtaposition of the music. With lyrics like "I want to get freaky with you" and "I know you want to taste it, but I'm a make you chase it" seeming harmless to the unwary customer who screams "Shut the fuck up" to their crying kid. In my time in any restaurant I have ever worked in I have never had a patron complain about me cursing. Not once. However, it would have been nice to see one of the numerous over paid slave drivers go and tell a table that "This is a family restaurant" then promptly threaten to write the customer up. The black eye that manager would have got would have been my happy place whenever I got stressed out.

This brings up another valid point to the table. The customers. They drag their crying kids into a cesspool of broken dreams and false hopes without ever realizing that one day their oh-so-precious-child will be joining the ranks of the disgruntled, underpaid wage slaves and more than likely stay there because they will be to scared to drink alone if they (god forbid) ever get a real job. Nice moral fucking lesson for the kids. "One day your life will be as miserable as the soul crushed fucker that just pasted that fake smile on his face and makes only minimum wage." *Smiles*

So why is this family restaurant business such a big deal? Well it teaches young impressionable minds that everyone has to be unnaturally happy at all times, that it is okay to fail at life, and that there is no such thing as a happy ending that you haven't paid extra for. If this sounds harsh, then you are just to sensitive. However, there is a few up sides to working in a restaurant; First you get to know peoples dirty and dark secrets. Why this is, I have no idea, but there you have it. Also, it pays the bills for those who are geared towards higher learning, and finally it all comes full circle with the staff. True, most have criminal tendencies, drink too much and occasionally dabble with in the realms of illicit narcotics; It is truly them that make life in a family restaurant entertaining and conversation worthy.

-A. Warren Johnson

PS- Next time you are in a "Family Restaurant" be sure to count the contradictions and tip your server!