How to Spot a Pretentious C____sucker

23 March at 16:55

Hey, So [Capitalization of first word after a comma for no purpose] I am not sure what you are so butt hurt [Use of unpopular, or unknown slang to sound edgy] about... [Lazy use of ellipsis] is it because I absolutely refuted [Attempt at sounding profound] your concept of a BFA being more presitigus [Unable to spell phonetic words] than a BA? [Presumes an issue without facts] Either way I have my opinion and you have yours and [Use of repetition] you can continue to be immature about it all you want [Run-on sentences, without punctuation] but if you are going to continue to post negative [Unable to take constructive criticism of work, or inability to comprehend dead pan humor] comments on my page when I am trying to be funny with my fellow friends [Insertion of poetic device in a formal letter] ... [Repeating lazy use of ellipsis] then you can remove yourself from the group. Thanks [Missing comma]

[Lack of signature]

10 Books you should read

10. Man's Search for Meaning: This book is interesting because it is a book about framing events (regardless of how horrific) into a context that is humorous and prescribes meaning for the individual. The second half of the book deals with Logo Therapy.

9. The Name of The Wind: While a fantasy novel, it is the first in the "Kingkiller Chronicles" and compares the idea of myth with truth. An idea which will presumably be kept up in the rest of the trilogy.

8. Invisible Monsters: In true Palahniuk fashion, this book will make the reader wonder why they are reading it, only to discover that all along the protagonist is simply seeking a change. Something most people can easily relate to.

7. American Psycho: Set in the eighties, this book (while having grotesque depictions of serial tortures and slayings) has more to do with deconstructing the myths of what is socially acceptable and what defines normality.

6. American Whiskey Bar: A behind the scenes look at a film notorious for being talked about, but never seen. A darkly fun piece of hyper-reality fiction.

5. Kate Carlo: No seriously, who is Kate Carlo?

4. Monster: This book is a fun and fast-paced read that examines how mundane life can be when magic and the supernatural are involved.

3. The Lucid View: Not a very fast read, however it does contain interesting insights and thoughts about religion, politics and literature. Good book, just be patient.

2. Side Effects: Short and funny anecdotes by Woody Allen on a variety of topics.

1. Heaven is Small: An interesting look at Heaven and stream-line consciousness contained primarily to the protagonist's desk.

Growing Up

Life. One moment you are young, vigorously fully of good intentions: nature. Youth, with it’s unbiased, wise and loving arms reach out, and as you grow, the more you notice that something is just . . . not . . . right.

Suddenly you are ten, twelve, fifteen! You begin to realize that thnigs are not as claer cut as you frist imangied. Sixteen, eighteen, twenty. You look around, the more you matrue, the more thnigs shfit out of plcae. The mroe you see, the more you wnat to set free. The rasicst you thuoght was firednly (on the bus), the whroe you wnated to be your spuose. Eevn the emlpoyer you wokred for the past dceade. All of them twsited and compelx.

Twenty-four, twntey-six, twntey-eight. The desrie for fredeom bunrs in deep. Deeepr and deeepr you attepmt to dare futrher into yuor mnid, but by tihs time you bgein to dobut eevn yuor own mnid. And then, a few thnigs fall . .. Into.. . place. And the tide, just for a moment, gently breaks . . .

It is a dark lull of sleep, exhaustion. It washes over you, calms you; at least some of the time you can make sense of the broken images inside your head; even if they are only dreams--

Sveen am! It is back on the go. Thrity, you braek dwon. How have you come this far and not made snese of a snigle damn thnig? Desparetly you try to meet a gaol, any gaol! It is olny a matetr of time beofre you are forty and thnigs make less snese tahn tehy did beofre!

Mairred and wanting nohtnig more than antoher attpemt to do smothnig; put away the starnge ueslses bilefs, laguh more (as oppsoed too benig offneded), raed intnetoins much more claerly, eevn smothnig as trvial as wihsnig ... upon . .. a . . . star.

You treid tihs and it wokred for a whlie. You attmepted it agian, and agian, and agian, but-- it, the notoin, neevr reutrns. And as you darw yuor lsat bretah, nothnig but yousrlef can forgvie you.

Last Saturday Night

The idea of setting free is an interesting notion. Being let go (fired) from a job is a fitting analogy for such a theme. On one hand (probably the left) it can be victimizing as a vital life line is cut off, however on the other hand (this would naturally be the right) it grants one freedom, of sorts, for a shot period of time. Which by the way is probably the worst thing an employer could possibly give a disgruntled employee: time.

I came across this problem last week. It was a Saturday (in all honesty it was probably the best day of the week to get fired), in a busy and over-crowded kitchen. The spitting of the fryers and constant tapping and cutting of knives, as well as every foul word being spoken quite loudly. These are-- were my friends. I suppose they still are, however it is much easier to keep friends when you cannot avoid them.

Around five-thirty two post meridiem, I began expressing my concerns about management. Sure, I may have been a little too loud about it, and may have used a few “suggestive” descriptors for important emphasis, although I believe that the fearless leader of a manager could have handled the situation in a more professional manner. After being sent home (and to add to an already wonderful evening) the hero left me with a poem he had wrote while he spoke entitled, “Don’t come back.” Oddly enough, that was the whole poem. He was a pretty witty guy.

Most people may have viewed this as one of those situations that could be considered a crisis, but for whatever reason I did not. The most mopping I did was spending fifty dollars on beer at the near by pub and explained my situation to anyone within earshot, to which no one cared. I then made my way home to watch some internet reviewers primarily Brad Jones, however some other reviewers made their way into the rest of my evening’s viewing.

The next day I went to the film festival. In my fifty dollar splurge on beer, I missed one of the films I had intended on seeing: Trigger by Bruce McDonald, so I settled to see Incendies. It was a heart warming film about teen who has to give up her child, and is reunited with her child in a political prison. She is once again pregnant, gives birth to twins and migrates to Canada. After this I returned home, began searching for work and wrote a few essays.

The first essay focused on the gender norms in the film “Kramer vs. Kramer”, the second on how Coleridge’s “Christabel” was told through the dead mother’s point of view and how its narration was very similar to the third structure of Personal Myth theory I had been working on for the past three years. It wasn’t until two-thirty four (I was about two-thirds of the way though my second essay) that I realized something; if I was still at the restaurant I used to work at, I would not have been able to do all these mundane, yet enjoyable things! I was free, at least for a little while.

-A. Warren Johnson