Dear Mr. Depp,
I have always enjoyed your films, even that one no one seems to remember: Dead Man. Sadly, however, I write to you this morning, not as a fan, but in hopes that you could help answer a few of my questions.
The first thing I would like to know is how do you manage to keep out of the tabloids? I mean you are a high profile actor! Do you pay the paparazzi off, or did you go about this in a wise fashion and buy a few of these poorly reported, yet highly entertaining magazines? I can't imagine you being that boring of a guy. Then again, I am a pretty boring guy as I am sitting here writing you an email you probably won't ever see, the worst part is that it is on the internet and can be viewed by anyone!
Next I was wondering how you manage to maintain such a laid back attitude even though you are a high profile star? I mean you don't even watch the movies you're in! Any interview I have ever saw with you, you have always been so regular! So cool! So goddamn mysterious! What is your secret?
The last thing I wanted to know about is slightly more personal. Now, you do all of these high budgeted, high profile movies and you also seem to be a superhero in your personal life! How the hell do you find the time? First it was Courtney Love and now Nicholas Cage! I'm surprised you haven't gone back in time to save Jesus! Maybe Jerry Bruckheimer should make a movie about the celebrity superhero that is Johnny Depp!
I would like to thank you for taking the time to read this letter of questions, as I am sure that you are either on the way to a set, or to save Rene Zellweger.
Your superhero fanboy,
-A. Warren Johnson
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