Dear Mr. Depp,
I have always enjoyed your films, even that one no one seems to remember: Dead Man. Sadly, however, I write to you this morning, not as a fan, but in hopes that you could help answer a few of my questions.
The first thing I would like to know is how do you manage to keep out of the tabloids? I mean you are a high profile actor! Do you pay the paparazzi off, or did you go about this in a wise fashion and buy a few of these poorly reported, yet highly entertaining magazines? I can't imagine you being that boring of a guy. Then again, I am a pretty boring guy as I am sitting here writing you an email you probably won't ever see, the worst part is that it is on the internet and can be viewed by anyone!
Next I was wondering how you manage to maintain such a laid back attitude even though you are a high profile star? I mean you don't even watch the movies you're in! Any interview I have ever saw with you, you have always been so regular! So cool! So goddamn mysterious! What is your secret?
The last thing I wanted to know about is slightly more personal. Now, you do all of these high budgeted, high profile movies and you also seem to be a superhero in your personal life! How the hell do you find the time? First it was Courtney Love and now Nicholas Cage! I'm surprised you haven't gone back in time to save Jesus! Maybe Jerry Bruckheimer should make a movie about the celebrity superhero that is Johnny Depp!
I would like to thank you for taking the time to read this letter of questions, as I am sure that you are either on the way to a set, or to save Rene Zellweger.
Your superhero fanboy,
-A. Warren Johnson
Write or wrong, it's still in poor taste.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Monday, November 16, 2009
Donations?
In the interest of taste and the hope of getting people interested in what I write I have kept off any ads or a donation button. However, as of late I have been toying with the idea of having a donation button at the bottom of my blog page. What I would like to have is you (dear reader) to have a say in this decision. I know this is the internet and I may or may not have more then 13 people that follow, or even read my blog, I am asking everyone that comes across my blog to please participate in the poll I have posted.
Keep in mind that I don't intend to charge people to read my blog, as anything I post here are either rough story ideas, editorials, or Celebrity Emails. It would still be 100% FREE to visit, but I would have a donation button at the bottom of the page so it would not be in sight at all times. The poll up for a month. I will leave this decision up to you dear reader.
Keep in mind that I don't intend to charge people to read my blog, as anything I post here are either rough story ideas, editorials, or Celebrity Emails. It would still be 100% FREE to visit, but I would have a donation button at the bottom of the page so it would not be in sight at all times. The poll up for a month. I will leave this decision up to you dear reader.
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Ten: God, Gambling and the Seventh Dimension
The seventh dimension. It consisted of a forty-seven foot platform that over looked a vast flow of time. The river of time was made up of every time line from the third and fifth dimensions. The seventh dimension was home to exactly one being. A little green unich named God. He was not the God beings in the third and fifth dimensions perceived him as. He was more or less a glorified toll booth attendant. His main job was to watch over time lines and make sure that no one would ever accidentally run into themselves.
Beings from the third, the fifth, the sixth, the eighth and the tenth dimensions would end up on this platform from time to time. There are a few reasons beings would find themselves here: They died and were passing time until their next life, or they were waiting for a rift from the eleventh dimension to open up and take them to the sixth dimension. Either way, the seventh dimension was a pit stop, not a destination.
God (over the years) had developed a nasty drinking habit and acquired an addiction to gambling. Beings that found themselves in this dimension were always astounded to find that they had seven hundred little, shiny green rectangular pieces lining their pockets. These were known as rubix, the only currency accepted in the seventh dimension, but relatively useless in any other dimension.
God was a mostly broke bloke who would try and swindle people out of their fair to the sixth dimension. He loathed anyone from a higher dimension as they seemed to know every move he was going to make. This usually turned to betting on what would happen if God were to mend two conflicting time streams together. The being from whatever dimension would then be given three choices and God would throw the time lines together. This usually ended badly. Sometimes civilizations would be destroyed, other times a small household pet in one of the two dimensions would die for no reason apparent to the inhabitants of either dimension. In one such bet, the person betting was completely erased from time. However, more often then not, people would just run in to themselves. This was the definitive reason for doppelgänger sightings.
One day a group of three people arrived at the same time. God was drunk (as usual) and this set the stage for the typical card game. Since God was drunk, he failed to notice the particular shifting of a shaggy haired kid from the tenth dimension. This was a common feature of anyone from the tenth dimension. This was due to the time structures being completely different from each other.
A few hours had passed and God was losing. He was down to his last seventy-four rubix and started to suspect that the shaggy hair kid that couldn’t sit still was from a higher dimension.
“All in!” God announced.
The shaggy haired kid simple replied, “You don’t have anything.”
“And how exactly would you know this?”
“Partially from the way you appear flustered and partially because you flashed us all your cards.” Answered an older woman from the third dimension.
“Well then I fold!” God shouted and cast his cards into the discarded pile.
“You already bet!” Said the six year old from the fifth dimension. “You can’t fold now, it’s against the rules!”
“I am God! I run this dimension and they are my rules to break!”
“Well how is this for a rule?” The shaggy haired kid asked as he laid down his cards. “A pair of Jacks.”
The older woman laid down her cards, “Low straight.”
“I've got a flush!” The six year old said excitedly. “I win!”
The older woman and the shaggy hair kid paid the six year old their bets, yet God still refused and accused the six year old of cheating. After a bit of protesting from the three travelers, God put forth a new bet.
“How about this. We make a different wager!”
“Or you could just pay the six year old what you owe him.” The shaggy haired kid suggested.
“Hear me out. I control the time lines correct?”
“And?” The older woman responded.
“Well how is this for a wager, I put two time lines together and we see what happens!”
“Umm . . . How are we supposed to bet on this, if all we are going to do is watch the outcome of events?” The six year old questioned.
“Easily. I will give you three possible outcomes and we bet on which one happens!”
“Are you serious? This explains a lot about life in the third and fifth dimensions.” The shaggy haired kid stated.
“What is that supposed to imply?”
“It implies that time doesn’t flow naturally because you keep fucking things up! You are a sad excuse for a supreme being. How about I bet that this isn’t the first time you have done this, and the current state of affairs were caused by your inability to just leave things alone!”
“You think that you are so much better than I, don’t you? You, all three of you are lucky! You are able to go to all the other dimensions, while I am stuck here! Stuck for eternity in this lonely plain of existence! What else am I supposed to do with my time? I sit here century after century, millennia after millennia, and for what? To have people like you pass through here and criticize me?” With that, God broke down into a sobbing, weeping mess.
The six year old sighed. “Fine. We’ll bet on this time mending thing.”
The little green unich’s face turned from self pity to joy. “Well we better get started shouldn’t we?”
The first part of the bet consisted of picking out two different time lines from the river. The left half of the river was every time line from the third dimension, while the right side was every time line of the fifth dimension. The three travelers had to pick one from each side. They discussed it for a few minutes, finally they reached their conclusion. The six year old pointed out the two time lines they wanted merged. God pointed to the same two the six year old had and raised his arms. The time lines lifted, God then put his fingers together and the time lines merged, creating a new time flow.
“Now,” God said, “Time to bet!”
Three screens appeared out of thin air in front of the travelers. The first one showed and ideal paradise where the inhabitants were over come with joy. Everyone had what they wanted and everyone was happy. The second showed the inhabitants of this new time line technologically evolved, yet nothing made any sense and there were no household pets. The third one caught the attention of the shaggy haired kid. In this screen, a version of himself from the fifth dimension was ruling the inhabitants with an iron fist. In an essence, he was the anti Christ that was mentioned in the third dimensional book, the Holy Bible.
“You son of a bitch! What have you done!?” The shaggy haired kid exclaimed.
“Now now, bets first, explanations later.” God said smugly.
“No bet. Put the time lines back, now!” The shaggy haired kid screamed.
“Look who’s up in arms about losing money now.”
At this comment, the shaggy haired kid lunged at God. He tackled him to the ground. He had hoped that by knocking God down his fingers would separate, returning the time lines back to the original state. However, this did not happen. The shaggy haired kid had cocked his fist back to punch God in his grizzled and old face. God raised one of his hands to the shaggy kids face, suddenly a bright light blinded the shaggy haired kid and forced him off the chest of his opponent. God then kicked the kid in the shin causing him to hop back a few feet. The kid regained his sight and lunged at God again.
Unfortunately God side stepped and the kid went over the edge of the platform. The older woman and the six year old raced to the edge just in time to see the kid fall into a rift that had opened up. The rift then disappeared.
“You slimy little cunt!” The woman said turning to God. “You killed him. I hope you one day that you get thrown off this platform and end up in oblivion!”
“He attacked me! Besides, I’m sure he is fine. He’ll be back! I promise! Now, what’s your wager?”
Beings from the third, the fifth, the sixth, the eighth and the tenth dimensions would end up on this platform from time to time. There are a few reasons beings would find themselves here: They died and were passing time until their next life, or they were waiting for a rift from the eleventh dimension to open up and take them to the sixth dimension. Either way, the seventh dimension was a pit stop, not a destination.
God (over the years) had developed a nasty drinking habit and acquired an addiction to gambling. Beings that found themselves in this dimension were always astounded to find that they had seven hundred little, shiny green rectangular pieces lining their pockets. These were known as rubix, the only currency accepted in the seventh dimension, but relatively useless in any other dimension.
God was a mostly broke bloke who would try and swindle people out of their fair to the sixth dimension. He loathed anyone from a higher dimension as they seemed to know every move he was going to make. This usually turned to betting on what would happen if God were to mend two conflicting time streams together. The being from whatever dimension would then be given three choices and God would throw the time lines together. This usually ended badly. Sometimes civilizations would be destroyed, other times a small household pet in one of the two dimensions would die for no reason apparent to the inhabitants of either dimension. In one such bet, the person betting was completely erased from time. However, more often then not, people would just run in to themselves. This was the definitive reason for doppelgänger sightings.
One day a group of three people arrived at the same time. God was drunk (as usual) and this set the stage for the typical card game. Since God was drunk, he failed to notice the particular shifting of a shaggy haired kid from the tenth dimension. This was a common feature of anyone from the tenth dimension. This was due to the time structures being completely different from each other.
A few hours had passed and God was losing. He was down to his last seventy-four rubix and started to suspect that the shaggy hair kid that couldn’t sit still was from a higher dimension.
“All in!” God announced.
The shaggy haired kid simple replied, “You don’t have anything.”
“And how exactly would you know this?”
“Partially from the way you appear flustered and partially because you flashed us all your cards.” Answered an older woman from the third dimension.
“Well then I fold!” God shouted and cast his cards into the discarded pile.
“You already bet!” Said the six year old from the fifth dimension. “You can’t fold now, it’s against the rules!”
“I am God! I run this dimension and they are my rules to break!”
“Well how is this for a rule?” The shaggy haired kid asked as he laid down his cards. “A pair of Jacks.”
The older woman laid down her cards, “Low straight.”
“I've got a flush!” The six year old said excitedly. “I win!”
The older woman and the shaggy hair kid paid the six year old their bets, yet God still refused and accused the six year old of cheating. After a bit of protesting from the three travelers, God put forth a new bet.
“How about this. We make a different wager!”
“Or you could just pay the six year old what you owe him.” The shaggy haired kid suggested.
“Hear me out. I control the time lines correct?”
“And?” The older woman responded.
“Well how is this for a wager, I put two time lines together and we see what happens!”
“Umm . . . How are we supposed to bet on this, if all we are going to do is watch the outcome of events?” The six year old questioned.
“Easily. I will give you three possible outcomes and we bet on which one happens!”
“Are you serious? This explains a lot about life in the third and fifth dimensions.” The shaggy haired kid stated.
“What is that supposed to imply?”
“It implies that time doesn’t flow naturally because you keep fucking things up! You are a sad excuse for a supreme being. How about I bet that this isn’t the first time you have done this, and the current state of affairs were caused by your inability to just leave things alone!”
“You think that you are so much better than I, don’t you? You, all three of you are lucky! You are able to go to all the other dimensions, while I am stuck here! Stuck for eternity in this lonely plain of existence! What else am I supposed to do with my time? I sit here century after century, millennia after millennia, and for what? To have people like you pass through here and criticize me?” With that, God broke down into a sobbing, weeping mess.
The six year old sighed. “Fine. We’ll bet on this time mending thing.”
The little green unich’s face turned from self pity to joy. “Well we better get started shouldn’t we?”
The first part of the bet consisted of picking out two different time lines from the river. The left half of the river was every time line from the third dimension, while the right side was every time line of the fifth dimension. The three travelers had to pick one from each side. They discussed it for a few minutes, finally they reached their conclusion. The six year old pointed out the two time lines they wanted merged. God pointed to the same two the six year old had and raised his arms. The time lines lifted, God then put his fingers together and the time lines merged, creating a new time flow.
“Now,” God said, “Time to bet!”
Three screens appeared out of thin air in front of the travelers. The first one showed and ideal paradise where the inhabitants were over come with joy. Everyone had what they wanted and everyone was happy. The second showed the inhabitants of this new time line technologically evolved, yet nothing made any sense and there were no household pets. The third one caught the attention of the shaggy haired kid. In this screen, a version of himself from the fifth dimension was ruling the inhabitants with an iron fist. In an essence, he was the anti Christ that was mentioned in the third dimensional book, the Holy Bible.
“You son of a bitch! What have you done!?” The shaggy haired kid exclaimed.
“Now now, bets first, explanations later.” God said smugly.
“No bet. Put the time lines back, now!” The shaggy haired kid screamed.
“Look who’s up in arms about losing money now.”
At this comment, the shaggy haired kid lunged at God. He tackled him to the ground. He had hoped that by knocking God down his fingers would separate, returning the time lines back to the original state. However, this did not happen. The shaggy haired kid had cocked his fist back to punch God in his grizzled and old face. God raised one of his hands to the shaggy kids face, suddenly a bright light blinded the shaggy haired kid and forced him off the chest of his opponent. God then kicked the kid in the shin causing him to hop back a few feet. The kid regained his sight and lunged at God again.
Unfortunately God side stepped and the kid went over the edge of the platform. The older woman and the six year old raced to the edge just in time to see the kid fall into a rift that had opened up. The rift then disappeared.
“You slimy little cunt!” The woman said turning to God. “You killed him. I hope you one day that you get thrown off this platform and end up in oblivion!”
“He attacked me! Besides, I’m sure he is fine. He’ll be back! I promise! Now, what’s your wager?”
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